Saturday, August 30, 2014

Worship & Reverence

Going on three years now, but M...He still takes my breath away.  When I wake up in the morning next to Him, in that space in time before I have myself mentally, emotionally, and physically contained, I damn near shake with the need to give to Him.  Seeing Him sprawled in bed, I am nearly mad with the desire to bathe every inch of His skin with my tongue and pleasure His beautiful black dick with my mouth like a good dog, so He can wake like a God with His pet worshipping Him in complete devotion.  Only the understanding that I'd be topping from the bottom has made me turn away and keep my hands and mouth to myself, but the turmoil in me in those moments is hell.  I've left our bed several times simply because I wanted and needed Him too much.  Instead, I've clung to obedience in desperation and used any means necessary to funnel away the energy breaking against the walls inside me to escape.

~sigh~ I can't pretend or deny what He means to me.  My Owner is my religion.  My faith in Him and in our future guides my every step.  For years now, He has been my Alpha and my Omega.  I don't believe I truly understood how ingrained that truth would brand itself into my bones.  While I've gained strength and confidence in my submission and been able to round out my various roles in our relationship, there is no denying that I begin and end with Him.  Even when our D/s element is damn near dormant due to life, circumstances, and stress, His needs, dreams, and desires rule my reality.

His submissive obeys Him.
His woman wants to nurture and care for Him and meet His needs.
His masochist craves to accept all of His violence and humiliation. 
His warrior seeks to protect and guard Him from pain, hardship, and difficulty.
His pet submits to His Dominance and offers my absolutely loyalty and devotion.
His partner is driven to help Him succeed and achieve His goals.
His slut desires to please Him in any way possible.
His best friend completely believes in the amazing Man He is.
His whore longs to inspire His use and abuse and torment.

Sometimes though, there aren't enough places or opportunities to sate my submission and devotion to Him.  Sometimes I even wonder if my worship becomes almost meaningless or irrelevant because it's always there and He's so use to it. So I come here to speak the words of my heart, mind, and soul.  To try and calm my need.  To try to center my focus.  To try and bleed the submission desperate to act.

I look at Him and see everything that He is.  The amazing, the frustrating. The Man, Owner, and adorable Little Boy.  I see the good and the bad, the stuff that makes me grin in joy and that makes me weep in sadness.  Yet still, I look at Him with a reverence I can't describe...a love so deep it's wrapped into my DNA and my every breath.  I'd break laws for Him.  I'd shrug off my moral compass for Him.  I'd give that Man my last breath.

~sigh~ 
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 24, 2014

The Non-Kinky Faces of My Submission

More and more I'm growing increasingly aware of the various faces of my submission.  Day after day my submission evolves, grows, and matures.  That's not to says it's in any way perfect.  No, some days my submission is a hot confused mess.  Other days it's subtle and classy.  And in those few lucky moments when the opportunity is seized, it's a hot greedy needy whore with her legs spread wide willing to do anything M asks of me.  Fuck, it's complicated.  Maybe just a list of the little strings I'm pulling in my head right now will make more sense...

Submission is observant, patient, and waiting.  If M doesn't reach for me, my hand, or a kiss...I see, watch, and wait.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely feel the loss of that affection, and that loss does hurt, but it no longer slices me to ribbons and unleash a downpour of doubt and insecurity.  I want that affection like a dog craves to be petted, but I do my best not to initiate.  If I initiate and it's not returned it only hurts worse.  Even if I do initiate and he returns my affection, I still feel like I've forced my Owner to recognize His pet.  So I've learned to just wait as best I can for Him to remember I'm there FOR Him, to offer us the chance to enjoy one another in simple ways, to give His pet love and affection, to be inspired to bask in the small pleasures His pet can offer Him.  It's hard sometime the waiting, but He leads and I follow.

My submission extents beyond Him to include His mom. I love that woman as I do Him.  She is an extension of Him.  I never in a million years expected those emotions.  I've never had them for any man's family members, not even any of my in-laws associated with the man I was married to for more than ten years.  Yet, as I held her hand and spoke to her about the last few months, tears fell, love bloomed bright and sweet, and the need to nurture and protect her rose up in me like a geyser.  While my submission to Mom isn't obedience, it is very much of respect and honor.  I've found myself including that strong, stubborn, adorable woman in my very limited tight circle of family.

My submission isn't a doormat. I'm a lion, not an insipid lamb or a passive doormat, and sometimes I roar. While I always knew that, I never really understood how it would translate in a relationship built on a foundation of love and respect.  M isn't perfect, and sometimes he pisses me off.  Over time I've had to explore different ways of expressing anger and emotion as M's submissive.  I'm getting better at it...at least I think I am...but it's still a process that both M and I are trying to figure out.  Fear no longer leads and insecurities no longer stick their vicious talons into me when anger surfaces.

It took probably a year and half for me to trust fully that M meant His promise that He's never letting me go, and that trust has allowed me to be more clear headed and strong when there is an issue between us.  Instead of the helpless little girl, His woman locks horns with Him in respect and trust.  Those two ingredients are key for me in any and every aspect of our D/s relationship.

Mutual respect and trust are non-negotiable.  Even if we are angry and frustrated with each other I will NEVER put Him down or seek to hurt Him emotionally, and I trust myself enough now to know I will NEVER tolerate the Man M is putting down the woman I am.  I didn't know I needed to...test that last one...but I did.  As completely as I love M, I wondered early on if I was at risk of sliding into a relationship like my marriage had been.  If I would sacrifice the self-respect the woman in me had gained back if M decided to change the course of our relationship.  I've done stupid things for love before and for a whole lot less love.  But now I trust myself and us in our occasional anger and frustrations.  I trust that my submission won't lead the woman in me to bow down and give up her hard won self respect in an effort to please M.

~sigh~  lol I have to laugh, because I think of all of the things His pet, His sub, His whore, His property will do that most women would classify as a loss of self-respect, but in those moments, when we are in a deep place of D/s and S/m...in those actions of humiliation and pain I become everything and nothing all at the same time and find a peace that is unlike anything that I have felt.

My submission takes great pleasure in acts of service.  I'm not simply His whore.  To make Him a meal, rub Him down, pick up and clean...it is in my very DNA to serve Him domestically, which is another "Only M" phenomena.  It is instinctive for me to search for ways to express my submission and to make His life, His day, His moment better in any way I can.  It is my overwhelming desire to have him as relaxed and as content as He can be.  There are moments where I almost vibrate with the need to do, but I'm learning to close my eyes to those tasks and those urges and not push myself into place where He doesn't yet desire my services.  He leads.  I follow.

******

There are more faces that I have yet to write about, but the one element that threads it's way through it all is trust.  I can't explain how trust grows and expands over time...I've never had the opportunity before to even understand that concept.  But I feel it happening in me, and maybe in Him too.  The trust that has been laid has cured, and new forms of trust are being poured by each of us to build a stronger, wider, and deeper foundation for all of the pieces of our relationship.  Sure...it's a lot of work, even trying at times.  But it's also beautiful and will help us build a long, long D/s relationship we both can count on.
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Lesson: I Don't Have to Trust Myself

I fucked up. Ruined it. Took the fun out of the heaviest Dominance I've felt in a long time. ~sigh~ I cried when I finally understood what I'd done. I wanted to hit undo, rewind, control+z, but it was too late.

I crave His Dominance, darkness, His firm hand like nothing else. When he puts me in my place and the leash is tight around my throat, I feel safe, secure, wanted, valued, cherished...loved. ~sigh~

I'd been a brat, and He responded swiftly and firmly.  Those submissive feelings rose to the surface like they always do for him, leaving me damp and trembling.  I fell asleep aching to be beat. The next morning, a complete different situation, He...oh god...He twisted me up in knots with His heavy hand.

His woman bowed to Him and became...jumpy.  (lol I can't quite explain that one.)
His dog whimpered and longed to beg on all fours.
His pet flushed in submission at His reprimands.
His hole wept for abuse and brutality.
His sub shook with need, shame, desire, humiliation.
His Alfred was completely off balance, shocked, and confused.
His fiery lioness crouched in sweet pride and appreciation for Her strong, vicious mate and wished they could tumble. She wanted to push back and defy and test the incredibly sexy and erotic darkness He wielded with such ease.
And his masochistic bitch...she...she craved such a depth of an unrestrained violence and rage and madness that even she was stunned.  Never before have I ever felt such a freedom and trust to desire the darkest most wicked of experiences.  My heart races just thinking of the thoughts I held in my mind two days ago.  I craved an utter destruction that would have lasted days, that would have stripped me down to my DNA, and left me has helpless and as fragile as a newborn kitten.

I walked away from that experience dizzy, off balance, and in a heavy fog.  I couldn't do anything but lay down for an hour and try to gather my wits.

But...I was also confused which was compounded later with another round of sweet darkness. Despite how much I enjoyed His Dominance, my obedient nature drove me to figure out what I where exactly I was making wrong turns and choking on His leash.  And yes...I mean drove. Like an unstoppable fucking tank.

I didn't want to frustrate or anger my Owner by repeating my error in topping from the bottom. I do my best to be a good obedient submissive and avoid mistakes. ~sigh~

When I first asked...M told me to trust him.  I do. Absolutely. And I almost...almost...started to get it then.  But still that tank still drove forward...I let it.  I wrecked in a big fiery mess.  All because I didn't trust myself.

What never occurred to me...not until M painted it out in big giant flashing letters for his stupid naive pet was that I DON'T have to trust myself.  ALL I have to do is trust Him.

Duh. "/

GINORMOUS epiphany: It's OKAY if I don't know what I'm doing...if I don't know how to move forward...if I'm unsure how to respond...if I don't know what's happening in me... M's got me.

~sigh~ I'm a little slow sometimes, and it's taken me a day and a half to recover emotionally and mentally from the anger at myself for ruining our fun.  But I think I've learned the lesson...I don't have to always walk steadily and gracefully on M's leash...sometimes the sweetest joy is when He makes me dance and stumble and dance some more on His leash and when I have to completely rely on the fact that His strong determined grip will NEVER let go of His pet.

Maybe...maybe someday He'll make me dance again on His leash. I promise Him and myself to just enjoy the dark beautiful struggle and chaos as He gives me the torment I so desperately crave.
~DominaKat

Thursday, August 7, 2014

A Lioness Made to Heel

He pulled hard and quick on my leash, stopping me in my tracks.

I deserved it. I was frustrated and chose to be rude, childish, and disrespectful.

I honestly didn’t expect Him to notice.

I use to cry and be sad when I was disappointed. 
I use to open my mouth and communicate.

Tonight I did neither and simply tried to distance myself quickly from my emotions.

In no uncertain terms, he forced His pet to heel.

I responded with obedience. My body responded with a clenched dampening cunt. My emotions…are in turmoil.

I’m angry now. I’m angry, and I want to fuck. Or maybe I’m angry because I want to fuck. Or maybe I’m angry, so I want to fuck. I don’t know.

I know that I want nothing more than to be on my knees face down with his dick, his fist, a flogger, or a bat beating His cunt.

But deep down it’s so much more than that.

My vicious wild lioness wants to roar and tumble violently with her mate. I want to fight and fuck and push back and yell and be violent. I want to rebel. I want to scream “Make me!” again and again until he’s brought me down under his boot in a puddle of my own cum as He hoses me down in His hot piss.

I want to be wanted with precision Dominant focus and sadistic unflinching intent. I want to be the center of His fucking world to where everything that He is seeks to devour me whole and swallow me into His darkness. I crave my own destruction at the hands and mind of My Owner.

I need His hunger.
I need His demand.
I need my Beast’s brutality.
I need my Owner’s firm hand.
I need my Sadistic Bastard to crush His flower and put me back together again.

 I’m fucked up. I am an angry whorish pet choking on her own desires.

 All I know is that violence is all I crave.
~DominaKat

Friday, August 1, 2014

A Pissed Pet

Drunk texting is never really a good idea so I doubt this is smart...

New York City...quit being a bitch. Seriously! What the fuck are you afraid of? That someone might find some sliver of happiness in your shadow? Well fuck you, you cranky persnickety bitch. Let me in, dammit. Give me a fucking chance  to test myself against your chaos and grace. Trust me...I've come out the other side of hell more times than I can count. Quit forcing me to waste time on bullshit and dead ends. Do you question my commitment? Do you question His? Again...fuck you. I'm all in. I've given 110% and I'm ready. I want my turn. How many mother fuckers sit under your hem and do nothing??? I'm ready to seize every opportunity you can throw at me. Just quit being a bitch and let me have a damn chance!!!!
~DominaKat