Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Purging Misbehavior

That filthy animal.  That rebellious bitch.  Oh yeah...all those nasty, immoral, depraved urges have swallowed me whole.  I don't want to be a good girl.  I don't want to be dutiful and efficient alfred.  I don't want to be fucking obedient.  Fuck all of that.  I don't give a fuck about that polite sweetness right now.

Fucking make me.

The willful, twisted, selfish whore rises from her cave with a vengeance.  My beast rages for the pure sanctity of violence and use.  I don't feel like making it easy.  I don't feel like holding back.  I will swing and fight and scream.  You'll have to take every bit of me.  I'll give nothing.  I need the demand and force of destruction.  I need that kind of ugly, brutal, cruel, bloody fight.  Leave me black and blue.  I need sheer mother fucking madness.  I want to see that loss of control in His eyes.  I need to see that dark fire so bright it's unholy what He will do to me.  Yes...baptize me in all those unholy desires You keep silently housed in the back of your mind.  Show me how evil Your beast can be.

I am nothing.  I am everything.  My beast is the most vicious bitch He will ever fucking conquer.  I won't give quarter until I'm covered in cum, spit, piss, and sweat.  Oh yeah...feel free to try to make me choke on that hard Black dick pushing down my throat until puke coats my heaving fat white tits. I don't want control.  I don't want patience.  I don't want nurturing.  I don't want Your fucking approval.  I don't want any reassurances.  In fact, just leave all the shit that those soft sides always crave at the fucking door.  Whatever.  I don't really give a fuck right now.  All I want is to wallow in the filthiest of acts.

I need used.

Like a two-dollar whore on a Saturday night behind a dumpster of a bar in South Bronx.  For hours.  Days.  I want to be fucked so hard in every hole until I scream.  I'll spread my creamy thick thighs for His dick, His fist, His face, His bat, His fucking beer bottle.  Just fill my sloppy hot cunt until I scream, laugh, and am drenched in the tears of the damned.  Take it.  OWN it.  Make me your nastiest, most corrupt bitch. Sin. Sin. Sin. Sin. Sin.  I don't care who sees, who knows, who smells my slutty perverse stench.  I want to reek of Him and His use.

I need to be naked in the dirt and mounted like a wild animal.  I need to be caged.  I need to be beaten.  I need raped and molested and violated.  I need to be made to cry, beg, even bark as He shoves Himself deep into my tender ass and rides me again and again as His cumdump.  I want to take a fist in the ass and then be forced to... fuck...I don't care.  Just force me.  Make me.  I want to be wanted that god damned much.  That darkly.  Where there is no reason, simply "I MUST have ALL of her."  Do it.  Demand the darkest, deepest, most demented desires that will devour my soul.

Set my fucking monster free.  Unleash the whore I've keep buried and tamed and silent.  Break that part of me that hides deep in the shadows of my soul and quench the fire that consumes me.

My God, I need M.  I need His Beast to cure my insanity.  To take the pressure of at least some small of the eruption of darkness currently flooding my soul.  It is crashing over me with a force I'm not sure I've felt ever.  ~sigh~ The darkest part of me has broken free, and I'm not sure how well, I'll be able to stuff that beast back in her cave.
~DominaKat

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Jumping Off the Cliff to Fly

We've been poised on the edge of this cliff for a while now.  There's been no going back.  The harsh winter winds battered us and tested our resolve, but we never once stopped holding hands.  As the worst sliced at my worn, exhausted mind and heart the last two days, I cried out in fear and pain from the howling monsters and their punishing blows, but Daddy was there.  He held firm.

"A man man sticks and stays.  I am a Man."
"I won't be on this ride alone.  You will be with me every step of the way."
"I'm looking forward to the future with you by my side."
"I need you."

The closer we've come to the edge of that deep chasm and the longer we stood in the cold winter, the more numb I became as my blood thickened, my mind tired, and my heartbeat slowed.  I needed His fierce words, His pledges, His promises like I needed Him to squeeze my hand with all His might.  With His words I found strength and courage and clarity.

I held viciously to my faith, my hope, and my unquestionable belief in us and everything we're reaching to build and achieve.  I won't run.  I'll never run.  I submitted to Him and to everything I feel for Him.  That Man holds my heart in his strong, steady palm.  He holds my leash.  He holds my future and my destiny.

Today...the brutal winds have finally died down, and the warm updrafts we've been waiting so damn long to fly on have finally begun to blow.

His book that we've worked SO hard for is about to launch at midnight tonight, and I finally have an interview there next week that I hope to nail.

It's been a long winter.  It's been a long five years of walking through harsh terrain.  It's time for us to fly!  Together we have what it takes to fly high in the sun and dance through the clouds.  We're ready.  We've worked hard.  We've sacrificed.  But most of all, we never let go of each other.

I so hope that in a just a short amount of time, I can meet my Daddy at the theater after work to catch a movie.  That this Spring my Owner can take his giddy pet exploring Central Park.  That my Man can show His woman the Temple of Dendur and the Brooklyn Bridge and Grand Army Plaza.  I want to go back to the little Mexican place in the village where we had our first date.  I want to dip my toes once again in the fountain at Washington Square Park and kiss my Daddy in the fine mist under a bright blue sky.

The life together we've both been working towards is coming closer and closer, and I can't wait to fly with Him on His leash. ~sigh~ :-)
~DominaKat

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Lost & Found in Service

This was my fortune cookie a few weeks ago. Honestly, how much truer could that tiny slip of paper be for me?

Over the last two years with M, I've learned so much about submission and love and strong, healthy relationships. And yeah, there's a thread of kinky, erotic, nasty sex.  But that is by no means at all the sum of us.  Not at all.  What we're doing, building, dreaming, working towards...is a life together and everything that goes with that.

The last few months have been filled with success, excitement, trepidation, stress, and anxiety.  We've been so focused on the practical and on the tasks at hand, that I became a little out of touch with my submissive perspective and it was becoming increasingly painful for me.  I felt like I was losing all the softest, sweetest pieces of me as we drove relentlessly toward goals.  A few days ago, I realized I had become self-absorbed, short-sighted, and selfish in my helpless panic to find those pieces, and I needed desperately to reconnect with the basics.

In the course of time, I had slowly quit putting M first.  His book and our work together on it had quietly snuck up to edge Him out of being my first priority.  While I submit to all that is M—His wonderful Mom, His life, His hopes, dreams, and goals, His emotions, His vision for His future and ours, His friends—I can't let any of those secondary submissions replace my attention and priority to the Man He is and the needs He has.  Yes, His book has been His priority, but in making that my priority I didn't take care of Him and my needs in turn were also left unfulfilled.  I was no longer giving to M, I was giving to His book, which in no way feeds Him or satisfies my submission and need for Dominance.

~sigh~ I was so ashamed that I had lost sight of my priority and that I was no longer giving M the best of me.  I went back to revisited a post I'd made a little over a year ago, The Promises of My Submission, reflected on those basic pledges, and humbly apologized to M.  This morning I've updated my words with pieces I've learned over the last year.

But that little slip of paper in my fortune cookie said it best...I can only find my peace and joy in my service to M, by losing myself in the act of giving to Him I find myself and my place at His feet.
~DominaKat


The Promises of My Submission

I promise to put You first in all things.
I promise to remember You are a Man before you are my Owner, my Dom, my Daddy.

I promise patience, understanding, and empathy.
I promise to nurture our dynamic just as You do.

I promise to be an active submissive partner.

I promise loyalty.
I promise straightforward honesty.

I promise to be as courageous and strong as I can be.
I promise to be as helpless and as vulnerable as I am able.

I promise to be the best I have in me.

I promise to take care of myself so that I may serve.
I promise to take care of You so that I may please.

I promise to use my mind and heart for our benefit.
I promise you access to my body in any way You desire.

I promise to open myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I promise to give all that I can.
I promise to take all that is offered and demanded.

I promise not to run when I hurt or am afraid.
I promise to fight for You in all things.

I promise to obey.

I promise to learn from my mistakes.
I promise to forgive Yours.

I promise to help build our potential.
I promise to contribute to our dreams.

I promise to believe in You, myself, and in us.
I promise to follow Your lead.

I promise my love.
~DominaKat



Monday, March 10, 2014

Absolute Resolution

I can't find sleep just yet even though it's 2:42 a.m.  M's words from earlier today echo in my head and leave me stunned.  I didn't expect them.  I didn't expect how hard he embraced...us and our future together.  It's not that we don't talk about what will be.  We do.  Often.  Damn near daily. But the unprompted passion of His words and His absolute resolution of ALL that we will have together brought tears to my eyes.  God, I love that Man.

I believe in Him and in us so damn much it scares me sometimes.  All my eggs are in His basket.  All my chips are in His hands.  My hand has been in His for two years now.  I've followed His lead.  When I've stumbled He's helped me get off my knees and healed my wounds.  When He's stumbled I've been right there waiting for Him to find His footing and take us where we should go.  I believe in Him and All that we could be, build, and achieve.

But you see...it's not simply the big grand dreams that I'm committing to.  It's the hard stuff as well.  Too often people are all too ready to jump in for the "happily ever after" fantasy.  But for me...I knew just how much I loved that man, when I could see us old and a lot tired and a little broken, slow, and maybe dotty and still holding hands...still loving each other as much if not more than when we first met.  Being there for the good stuff is easy.  I want to be there for M for the hard stuff too, not just the fun and games and greatness.  I want to be at the doctor's office with him when we're in our 70's.  I want to share dentures and leakage protection and wrinkles and canes and prescription runs.

I want...to be the one...His one...that holds His hand...that holds Him close...when He takes that last breath 40 years from now at 85.  I want Him to know in the last moments how much every moment of our life together meant to me and make sure that He was never alone...that His pet was always by His side...that He was loved absolutely and unquestionably since we found each other two years ago.  I want 40 years of ups and downs and good and bad.

I've never loved like this...ocean deep.  I've never submitted to anyone or anything so fucking completely in my life.  Yes...I believe in Him and Our Future.  Every word I say, every breath I breathe, every action I take is all towards our goals and our tomorrows.  Because I want more than anything in the world to be 80-some years old with that beautiful Man who has stolen my heart and given me His.
~DominaKat