Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Value of My Service

I have a hundred things to do, but I need to take a moment to breathe and simply take in today.  Actually...I need to clear my head. I'm a bit just overwhelmed.

 M and I hit a milestone today. This afternoon we finalized edits/revisions to the last chapter of His book. We still have one last run through which will include a final check of every damn thing and the formatting for publishing, but the bulk of this project is complete. A HUGE weight has lifted from both of us.

We're almost THERE! The biggest hurdles are behind us as far as accomplishing His dream, and today the full force of what we are doing has finally set in.  He'll be a published author with a book for sale! How many people have published a book? How many people offer strangers the opportunity to dream for a moment and fall under the spell of a story? lol The thought makes me a giddy! lol  And so very, very proud of Him and the work I've done to assist Him in getting here.

We have been busting our asses.  Between each of our other individual commitments and responsibilities, we have tackled the editing and revisions.  We've both lost sleep, suffered stress, and given up individual extras to get this done.  I've never worked with anyone so fucking seamlessly. We truly are an amazing team. Our strengths counter each other's weakness and combine to create possibilities that neither of us could reach for on our own.

Over the last five months, my alfred service side has obviously taken the lead role in my multiple personality submission as M's pet, babygirl, slut, warrior, woman, alfred. It's been both a challenge and a blessing. My service-based submission has been so fucking rewarding. To tangibly serve, contribute, and assist my Owner/Dominant/Daddy in achieving His goals brings me a deep sense of purpose, pride, achievement, and peace.

At the same time, it is our most challenging D/s dynamic because the space between our symbiotic hierarchy isn't as deep. My role as His editor and marketing bitch has demanded that I push at times or even take charge in areas where I excel. There naturally have been moments where two intelligent, passionate, and strong people have clashed. Yes...we have argued fiercely. We've gotten pissed.  We've even annoyed the crap out of one another.  lol  There have been moments that have flat out sucked ass, especially because I hate when M is ever upset in any way shape or form. But we made it through. Every time we found our way. Together we've learned how to navigate these sometimes turbulent waters, maybe not with ease and grace but at least with success. And once we recover, we realize that we've come out the other side better for it.

Today's milestone has also given me a chance to absorb a new perspective on my place in M's life. There just hasn't been time, energy, or bandwidth for me to mull over and let settle in what I've finally seen the last few days. Even though it's been two years, it hasn't been until this week that my value as his submissive has truly sunk into my thick skull.

Don't get me wrong, I've known for a long time how very much He loves me. He's invited me into his life so deeply. He's given. He's taken. He's shared. He's participated. He's intervened. He's initiated...a thousand things he's done and said. I've known for a long time that He is never fucking letting me go. :-) But during the last five months as the last pieces and strengths and weaknesses of me - my alfred side - have been revealed, I've slowly gained a confidence in my submission and in my place as His pet, woman, babygirl, etc. that I didn't have before. I've grown more at ease with my roles.

But I'm not sure I fully understood how much He truly, truly valued me - his pet, woman, partner - until this week. His words..."You're vital..." "We did this together..." "I can no longer live without you..." Tears fall just thinking of the all words and emotion He's given freely to me over the last few days. I've honestly never meant so much to anyone.  No one has ever valued, cherished, and appreciated ALL of me and ALL that I give as completely as He does. Throughout my life, I have always come up short to everyone else. But with M...I am amazing. I am crucial to His world...not just an extra or a nice to have. I mean something tangible and real and long term to Him.  It's not necessarily that I didn't have a vague idea, but it had just never sunk the fuck into the core of me. It's like M took a baseball bat and pounded it into my skin, so it would never, ever fade.

I am humbled as never before.

I am stronger than ever.

I am my King's obedient and loyal queen standing firmly and unequivocally by His side and yet...I so desperately want to kneel at His feet and lay my head in His lap. I want to lay naked at His feet in utter total submission.

I don't always get the nuances of relationships or D/s stuff.  I just don't have the experience behind me for this stuff. Light bulbs come on at the oddest times for me, and I don't always see what's coming. But it never occurred to me that the more value He placed on me, the deeper my submission would grow. Yet as I look back...that's exactly what has happened. Some would argue that value fucks with the power exchange, and maybe it does with some.  But as His faith, His belief, and His commitment to me becomes somehow more absolute and tangible, so does mine.  Our bond just continues to grow and deepen and strengthen.

~whimper~ Oh how that Man astounds me.  Truly.

I am His. I've been His. I will forever. Be. His.
~DominaKat