Learning to Love Again with the Help of D/s

For a very long time and for numerous reasons, I was afraid to love.  I know I love hard and deep.  The few times I had even let myself go near that emotion, I had been burned badly.  To be so vulnerable that someone could hurt me deeply and leave another scar on my battered soul was not something I was willing to risk.  I deliberately allowed very, very few people close to me and chose to keep people and the very few sexual partners I engaged with at a distance.  My last relationship from the beginning had always had boundaries.  That's how I chose to structure things.  In fact he was never welcome at my home even though we were involved for two years.  We met on neutral territory only.  That mental and emotional distance kept me safer.

When that relationship ended, and I began to get REAL honest with myself as part of my journey with BDSM, I finally admitted to myself that I was at a point where the pain and emptiness of that life was greater than my fear of true intimacy.  In my soul I longed to be owned fully.  Truly.  Completely.  To one I could proudly submit myself to.  Because of that bone-deep ache and longing to belong, I finally found the courage to look for and expect something real and meaningful.

I was so very blessed to find M.  But even after M and I began to unravel the puzzle of one another and build our D/s dynamic, I had to be very intentional in opening myself up to Him completely.  Emotionally He would leave me shaking even before we ever met.  He scared the shit out of me!!!! lol  I could see and feel our potential - everything we could be - but the fear of vulnerability still stalked me.  At times I had to fight the sheer instinct to close myself up tight and not withdraw.  I had to be brave enough to reach for the beautiful possibilities with Him and not cling to my fear.

Our growing D/s dynamic helped me so very much.  First was the depth of communication that enabled us to slowly build a strong foundation of mutual trust, respect, patience (His patience more than mine) and the abundance of love and caring.  On one level I fought my fear with the logic of all of those building blocks.  I could see and feel the evidence of all of those things from Him and between us.  On another level I simply lead with my soul and the faith in what we could be and what I felt with Him.  I can't really explain it. But I needed the strength of His Dominance to feel safe enough to submit and let myself love. I need His absolute need/desire to Own me to feel like I belonged and that it was safe enough to allow myself to be vulnerable. When the emotional and mental D/s leash is tight...I'm comforted and feel secure to be at my most vulnerable and submissive.  To open up and let Him have every bit of me.

All my life, I knew I needed someone to demand just the right way that I open up my heart and soul.  I couldn't explain and honestly, I never wanted to explain.  If they didn't have what it took - if it wasn't instinctual - there was no possibility they would ever be able to reach deep inside me and to tame my soul.  With M, He knew what I needed and found in me what He longed to possess.  Now I am His loyal, cherished pet.  Together we found magic, and I found the strength and courage to love that wonderful Man like He deserves.  I can't lie though.  Occasionally, there are still whispers of that fear of vulnerability, but with M's help I continue to destroy those last remnants.

Building a good, healthy D/s relationship with M has forced my fears and insecurities closer to the surface for us to resolve.  It has required a raw truth with one another and myself in order to maximize the D/s potential between us.  It's not simply about the kinky sexual darkness we practice.  The mental and emotional aspects of our D/s very much go soul deep and expose all - good and bad - to each other, but that depth of intimacy is truly, truly exquisite.  :-)
~DominaKat

My Truth

For so long, all I knew was struggle and the fight.  Somehow, I've been blessed.  So very blessed.  Because with Him I can shed my heavy armor and lay down my battered weapons.  I don't have to be armed to the hilt or ready to defend and protect.  With Him...I can simply be.  Curled at His feet more vulnerable than ever before, I find a peace, a contentment, a rightness so strong in His Dominance, my submission and our fierce love.

With His patience and firm grip as my guide, I had to find the courage and the faith to submit completely to Him.  I gave Him my mind, my body, and my heart.  In the end, I gave to Him my soul.  Old habits vanquished.  Demons destroyed.  I had to fight the last battles with myself to find myself within His shadow where I am protected, nurtured, and cherished.  My submission to M gives me a freedom I've never felt.  To serve.  To please.  To give.  Him.  Without defense or fear.  I am His.

Together we find balance - our Harmony.  Together we celebrate our joys and victories as well as fight through our struggles and challenges.  No Man has ever held my hand so tight and made me feel so safe.  He is where I belong.  Ever at His side.  Together...we can tackle anything and come out stronger.  I believe in Him.  I believe in myself.  I believe in us.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.
~DominaKat

My Submission Is...

My submission is...

A choice.
An instinct.
A gift.
A treasure.

A fragile flower.
That blooms when nurtured.
A wild irrepressible fire.
Only He can stoke.

My submission is...

Patience.
Intention.
Letting go.
Freedom.

The place at His feet.
I thought I'd never find.
His right.
To do as He pleases.

My submission is...

Fierce.
Absolute.
Fragile.
Always His.

The ultimate in vulnerability.
My strength and courage.
A flame that longs to burn bright and hot.
My only answer.

My submission is...

Obedience.
Trust.
Loyalty.
Faith.

A tide that ebbs and flows.
The seductive dance He leads.
A wave He can push at whim to flood my soul.
The essence of all that is me.
~DominaKat

Dark Souls

How Dark,
Might we indulge?

Not become.
For Dark is what we are.

Tears and laughter.
Our symphony on the wind.

Will You stalk my blackest shadows?
And toy with my twisted fantasies.
As I beg.
Cling humbly to You.
Broken and battered at your feet.

Will You drag me into Your inky sin?
And taste my salty tears.
As You destroy what you love.
And feed our primal and brutal hungers.
Even the darkest not spoken.

Seize without mercy Your cherished victim.
Meld our passion to make us whole.
And set free our twisted souls.

Will You fuck me to destruction?
And devour my screams.
Bound, gagged, and helpless.
Manipulated.
By Your vicious need.

Will You crush me beneath Your will?
Will You unleash Your greedy fury?
Will You lead me where the light does not fucking reach?
Please...Sir...
Let us gorge on our brutal lust.

Cruelest pain transformed to undeniable pleasure.
As sadism licks and lashes.

A matched pair in dark harmony.
Pure within our sweet vicious madness.

Yes…just how Dark,
Might we indulge?
~DominaKat

Slutty Symptoms

Do the rest of you sluts ever have moments where you realize, "Wow...I really just can't help it.  I am naturally just a slut." even in the most subtle ways?  Yes, yes..we all love to choke on our Men's beautiful dicks.  Yes, yes...we'll pull up our skirts where ever and when ever He desires.  Nope...we never get enough of Him.  Nope...panties are not required.  lol  Those hallmarks of our sluttiness  - while they are some of the pride and joy we take in our endeavors - are not what I'm referring to in in this post.  I'm talking about things you may not realize you do but are truly tied to that slut always seeking satisfaction.  For example...

I realized yesterday that I can't keep my legs closed without serious conscious thought and effort.  I had no flippin' idea it was that hard!!!  While at work, I went through my standard protocol for permission from M.  He told me "No" this time and that I had to "wait" which of course being a little tug on my leash rendered me a a bit needy (AKA damp) as usual, so I asked permission to spread my legs wide and push my aching cunt onto my office chair.  Again, he told me no and then proceeded to order me to keep them tightly closed. 

Holy crap that was difficult if not damn near impossible!  The weird feeling I had when I did it initially didn't quite register.  I simply obeyed.  Then I proceeded to get back to work, but every time I would relax, my legs would naturally spread.  I'd close and tighten up again.  Over and over and over this happened.  The outside of my thighs literally began to ache from the position!  

Now I could excuse this phenomena by saying that my long ass legs don't fit well under most desks and tables.  I could blame that I'm lucky enough to be able to wear jeans at work.  I could point out that I have a private office which allows me a bit more latitude.  However none of those reasons would explain away that as I would relax I would also arch my back and shift my posture so that my pussy would be in direct contact with the friction of the chair.  The same damn thing happened today even without any M-related encouragement/mindfuck.  Even unexcited with my mind focused on the daily grind of work, I would naturally always shift into a position of direct cunt contact.  It seems those fat lips and tight little clit are always looking for pleasure...oh I meant...pressure!  Ummm...yeah....so...

My slutty symptoms would definitely fail me in a Ms. Proper Manners class.  Emily Post would likely take a ruler to me!  And not the good kind.  Hehehe

Now let me at least say that I can keep my legs close if I can cross my legs.  But again, with my long limbs that's nearly impossible under a desk or chair.  ~sigh~  What's a slut to do?

So I'm going to try to pay attention to any other slutty symptoms I may unconsciously do.  

My slutty friends, anything I should watch out for?  

Dom/Master/Owners, any other behaviors you pick up on that may indicate a natural slut?

M's Slut,

~DominaKat