My Relationship with The Fet Community

Since I jumped into the lifestyle a few years ago, I've engaged with the Fet community at various levels from the passive observer to an active voice.  While I have (of course) learned the most about myself from my D/s journey with M and the few misadventures prior to M, I've learned many things about myself as well as the community in the course of all things Fet.

Fet has a variety of subsets just like the vanilla world,  and just like in the vanilla world, I am very much more in tune with Black Doms and the white women that prefer them.  I don't connect well with the medieval or goth white guys and their female counter parts.  ~shrug~  I can only relate to what I identify with.  Unfortunately, my preferred subset seems more virtual-based rather than real time event-oriented, and as a whole the members are significantly less experienced and less interested in BDSM than other groups.  These limitations are definitely a disappointment and at times a frustration from a social standpoint.

The drama factor has also impacted my Fet involvement.  I've struggled to stay engaged or invest myself wholeheartedly because just as I am in real life...cliques, teams, and popularity contests hold no appeal for me whatsoever.  Augh.  In fact all are a HUGE turn off, but I've sadly found the online groups to be rife with those silly politics.  I left high school twenty-some years ago, thank you very much.  Yet, people have proven over and over to me how prevalent this mentality runs through the community, especially among the female members.  In fact, I've even seen female teams turn essentially into virtual gangs that will as one shun or attack others not in line with their group M.O. or dutifully paying homage to the queens that rule the roost.  Whatthefuckever.  That's not how I roll as a strong woman or an intelligent confident adult.  I can stand very firmly and easily on my own two feet without the need to surround myself with bullies or wannabes.

Luckily there are a few - and of course M lol - who are also interested in serious BDSM dynamics rather than high school political games, surface play, massive quantities of the rougher vanilla sex or limited fetish play like the whole strange foot-fetish thing.  I gravitate toward those folks and discussions focused on serious BDSM or general intelligent discussion.  It's not that I can't have fun.  My version of fun just tends to involve my mind and emotions instead of inane chatter.  I also have little interest in soliciting gratuitous attention by shouting out in every comment, thread, and pic my whorish techniques or abilities.  I may vaguely reference my tactics, but the experience of me is reserved solely for M.  Yes...I know.  I write erotica, but those personal writings have nothing to do with attention and everything to do with self-expression.  After all...how many people actually take the time to read?  Few.  The overwhelming majority are looking for the easy little thrills - pussy and tit pics or visuals of sex acts to jerk off to.  ~yawn~  In contrast, I yearn for a positive environment of education and learning.  I don't mind healthy debate on any subject, but I am sick of dumbing down for the masses and tired of witnessing the stark useless apathy that prevails throughout the stagnant and unmotivated majority.  I want to grow myself not shrink.

So for those reasons as well as a couple other drama factors, I've pulled back and focused inward to determine how my next phase of Fet engagement should be.  I'm still stewing... lol

However a funny thing has happened over the last month.  A number of unsolicited comments and conversations have shown me that both M and I very much have without any intention established our voices within the groups we participate in.  I was surprised at the support and the respect others have offered me as well as the admiration they have of our relationship.  I'm not at all surprised at the support and respect others have shown M.  lol  After all, it's very obvious to me that He is a Dom and Man of intelligence, passion, and character.  I'm so very proud of Him and honored to be His.  I've know for a long time now that His voice could easily be a leader and advocate of Black Men in the world of BDSM if He chose.

But their feedback gave me a new perspective.  What I never even considered was how I would be seen or want to be seen by the community.  Just as M has been himself.  I was just me.  I participated in the conversations that intrigued me.  I was honest, straightforward, and respectful unless given reason to be agressive.  I was an advocate for M and sought a higher/deeper level of conversation related to the two subjects most meaningful to me: BDSM and a supportive interracial relationship with a strong Black Man.  I didn't cater to the masses or seek key relationships to further myself or my image.  I simply asked questions that came to mind.  I can't act differently because at my core this is who I am without apology or regret.  So in essence I can't change a damn thing for the sake of my image to the community.  The result of my actions is simply unexpected.

As I have turned this new concept over in my head, I couldn't help but recognize another extremely vital truth within me.  As far as my involvement in the community, I do not see myself as an individual entity.  I am M's.  His pet.  His sub.  His whore.  I can not separate mentally, emotionally, or physically my engagement in BDSM - my beautiful sweet dark journey - from Him because the path I am on is nothing without Him.  He leads me.  My role, my service, my pleasure, and my pain are His.  Yes...M very much allows me to be me, to spread my wings and use my voice as I am inspired.  Yet as His sub, my reference point is always Him.  He is my beginning and my end.  My Alpha and Omega.  How others in the community see or interpret me while greatly appreciated is completely irrelevant in my eyes.  As long as M is pleased and proud of me and how represent Him, I am very, very content.  His view of me is truly the only one that matters.  ~blissful sigh~  :-)

~DominaKat

My Answer. His Answer. Our Answer.

As a M's sub, He nurtured me and built a deep trust that allowed me to let down my guard and be emotionally vulnerable to Him.  Through the good and the fun, through the ugly and the messy, He took the time to show me that I should and need to turn to Him when I am hurt or am afraid.  It doesn't matter - shouldn't matter - what or who has hurt me or what I am afraid of.  Even if it is Him.  (<~An extremely rare occurrence.)   What is key is that HE is my answer.  HE is the one I can and should lean on to get me and us through.

This has been a HARD fucking lesson for me.  It has taken time, practice, and intention for me to adjust my defensive habit (as much as I have) of keeping the most vulnerable pieces of me out of sight and mind of everyone around me.  I have struggled to overcome the fears of looking weak, of being vulnerable, of being rejected or ignored, of being too much.  Yet even after all of this time - a year since M has come into my life - leaning on Him is still difficult.  While the need to turn to Him is now truly instinctual every time I am in pain or afraid, it is very much a conscious effort to open up and let Him see me.  Sometimes it's almost natural, but sometimes I have to MAKE myself reach for Him however timidly.  I have to force myself to open up, risk, and express to Him my innermost feelings.  I can't always do it.  And there...is the challenge I still struggle with.

I can't deny.  I want to bear my soul in those moments.  God...I so want to.  The need to curl up in Daddy's arms and simply let go ......  I know with every breath in me that HE IS MY ANSWER.  The problem is is that even though I'm finally comfortable being weak and vulnerable to Him, I still fear being rejected or ignored or being too much.  I know why, but that doesn't resolve my issues.  Hopefully, time and His patience will continue to help me build the bridge I need to cross this hurdle.

As I've gone over and over this in my head, I faced realities.  This isn't easy for anyone.  It takes time, it takes courage, and it takes a constant flow of trust between the Dom and sub.  We all have our pasts.  We all make mistakes.  It's about two committed partners recognizing an issue and resolving to work together toward one another to find resolution.  ~sigh~  For anyone that knows me, they know how difficult those last six sentences were.  I tend to beat myself up and shoulder every burden and bit of blame.  But the longer I've travelled on this beautiful strong journey with M, the better I've gotten at looking at every piece of the puzzle to find solutions and at working with M to to find not just my answer or His answer but OUR answer.

Over the last few day while sorting through pieces, I came up with questions that I think I believe I know the answer to, but I'm not sure I see those practices applied or even spoke of that often in the community at large.  If M is suppose to be my answer, shouldn't I be His answer?  Should this be a mutual vulnerability?

In a D/s dynamic, the s-type is to serve and please while the D/M leads their journey and guides Her to where He desires her to be.  His is a role of dominance and strength.  Hers is a role of submission and willing vulnerability.  The D-role in addition to the normal Male role seems counterintuitive to opening up to the s- about pain and fear whatever the source because it shows stark emotional vulnerability.  Yet shouldn't being His answer be an essential part of her service to Him?  Shouldn't the Dom instinctively turn to and open Himself in times of stress and pain to His sub for love, support, and strength?  If He doesn't, what does that say?  If she isn't HIS answer when push comes to shove, what does that mean?

I recognize that everyone is different.  I've seen again and again fluffy, chaotic subs incapable of making even the most basic decisions, so I know there are some subs that may not be capable of being the Dom's answer.  However,  I'm not a weak, silly, flighty sub.  I'm strong and courageous.  I would carry the weight of the world for M, so that He may have a moment to rest.  In fact...if I feel shut out or shielded, it effects me negatively.  I actually become weaker as a sub because I feel like He didn't believe in me or in us.  At that point either my insecurities quiver only adding strain to a given situation, or I instinctively start to pull back to strengthen myself for the unknown.

~sigh~  Augh...So I ask...

If He should be My answer, should I be His answer?  In the healthiest of D/s relationships, is Our answer one another?
~DominaKat




I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

His Legacy

There is a sadness buried in His warm brown eyes,
Built from centuries of pain carried on burdened backs.
Vicious hate and a cruelty so vast,
That yesterday has forever stained red the path to today.

No amount of tears or prayers will ever wash away,
The sorrow of His legacy.

There is a frustration that claws at His beautiful dark skin,
As He withstands the hot sting from the winds of injustice.
From every direction they batter and whip.
Though the self-defeating gusts from the homefront burn tragic.

No cool salve can ease His raw distress as they try to diminish,
The efforts of His legacy.

There is a strength infused in His deep hearted soul.
Forged in deliberate generations of pride and tenacity.
He holds His lonely hard line in the blinded frivolous crowd.
As they attempt to shutter the stoic inner flame that lights His way.

No concession will ever exist for Him to willingly compromise,
The honor.
The sacrifice.
Or the pride,
Of His legacy.

~DominaKat

Surrendering My Weakness

The deepest acts of love, submission, and dominance aren't always sexual or extreme kink.  Yes, I realize that love isn't a prerequisite in everyone's idea or practice of D/s, but it is for me.  That approach did, of course, make my journey a bit more difficult.  Instead of simply indulging in hedonist play and bending over for any guy willing to swing a paddle, interested in setting me up for a gang bang, or pay me a bit of careless attention, I waited for a Man whose kinks not only aligned well with mine but who would peel me open from the inside out.  So when things get deep, I'm not referring to just an intense physical surface sensation.  I'm talking about the complete emotional, mental, and physical surrender required to accept what he gives me.

Last week, I found myself with M at my weakest moments to date in His presence.   I was physically incapacitated and mentally shorted out.  Emotionally I was vulnerable and embarrassed.  I was a sheer lump of helplessness.  I was...sick as a fucking dog.

Maybe that doesn't sound like a big deal other than horrible timing.  To me it was HUGE.  For the first time in more than 10 years, I wasn't comfortably encased in my solitude as I succumbed to whatever bug had its vicious way with me.  Instead for the first time in my life there was a loving, concerned and understanding partner with me.  If I had had any mental, emotional, or physical strength I wouldn't have known what to do with myself.  I would have been frantic that He was burdened or inconvenienced in even the slightest way by my pathetic misery.  I've never needed babied nor sought attention/sympathy.  No...just let me crawl in a dark corner and recover with the least loss of dignity.  

Maybe being sick with your Dom also doesn't sound anything at all like your typical D/s experience, but when M refused to leave me alone in my corner and ordered me to stay in bed, that moment was ALL D/s.  So was my complete surrender to His expectations.  I didn't disobey my Owner to save my pride.  I didn't rebel against my Daddy to be strong.  I gave in to Him and what He chose as the best course of action for us.  I wasn't afraid, not for a second, that He saw me at my weakest.  My protective instinct to be seen as strong when I'm weak never even twitched.  While I was sorry that our plans were cancelled, I didn't feel I wasn't good enough for Him.  PTSD from my first marriage didn't crop up and have me paranoid that I'd be ridiculed or made fun of for my temporary weakness.  His firm hand led me to where He wanted me to be, and I willingly and gratefully followed.

No...it wasn't the least bit kinky or sexual or even pretty.  However, He very much was my loving Daddy and protective Owner.  M was compassionate and kind.  Tender and nurturing.  As I curled under the covers, I remember how He would pet my head and check for a fever.  I remember how His ran hand down my back.  He went to the store to make sure I had the medicine I needed.  He brought me orange juice and crackers.  He made sure I rested.  And His hugs...~sigh~ those made me feel so very, very loved and cared for.  Cherished.  Safe.  Nothing would happen to me.

Even sick and unpretty and yucky...I was His.

I don't know what I did to deserve Him or His kind of love.  I just know that even as I write this...tears stream down my face that I am so very blessed to have Him in my life, at my side, and leading me through this beautiful, sweet journey.  M says this is simply how it is suppose to be. While I recognize that fact fully, I know so very well that how it is between us is so exquisitely rare.

Thank you M for all that you do and all that you are.
~DominaKat

Undone

I am undone.
For Him.

He has irrevocably...
Shredded.
Torn.
Destroyed.

Every layer.
Every stich.
Every seam.
That held me so neatly together.

For Him my love tumbles deeper and deeper.
With Him my passion is uninhibited.
In His arms my tears find a never ending sanctuary.
Below Him my peace is infinite.

He has shattered the emotional chains that bound me.
And crumpled the box where I'd hidden.

He cut through the pain that blinded me.
And nurtured me to fly unhindered once more.

At His command my wits scatter.
Through His words my strength is endless.
By His acceptance I know no fear.
Amid His praise my inspiration soars.

I am politely contained no more.
Unrestrained.
Fearless.
Free.

What I used to be.
All I could be.
Everything I am.
Spills helplessly at His feet.

For Him
I am simply undone.
~DominaKat

Life's Choices

Would you forgo pleasure for pain?
So that you might never be tormented again with hope.
Would you deny depth for shallowness?
So that you don't face any risk.

Would you trade your word for lies?
Because you refuse to be brave.
Would you give up laughter for tears?
Because you can't master your fear.

How do you choose?

Would you avoid intention for laziness?
So you won't have to make any effort.
Would you surrender reality for fantasy?
So you don't need to try.

Would you shed sight for blindness?
Because you're afraid to look ahead.
Would you ignore warmth for cold?
Because you don't want to feel.

What do you choose?

Would you shun thought for numbness?
So that you can hide behind illogic.
Would you turn your back on truth for denial?
So you can live in a dream.

Would you let go of strength for chaos?
Because you want to avoid higher expectations.
Would you destroy your pride for your ego?
Because you have to prop up your self esteem.

Who do you choose to be?

Would you kill hope for despair.
So that you can blame the pain for your failure.
Would you sacrifice real love for empty lust?
Because you lack the will to resist temptation.

These are but a few of life's choices.
Within them we find our true selves.

Stand.
For what you believe in.
Seize.
Who you want to be.

Be brave.
Be relentless.
Be strong.
Be tenacious.

Be unapologetically.
Your best.
Don't fear the harder road.
Don't give up when teased with shortcuts.

Invest yourself.
In a worthy journey.
And discover.
All you can become.
~DominaKat

Hot Wet Rain

I'm a whore today.  A dark, nasty filthy whore.  The darkness I crave is hot and black.  It brands my soul until I scream with sheer unrestrained need.  I can not apologize for my wanton desires anymore than I can apologize for being my age or height.  They simply are.  All day...the vicious beast in me roars begging for her Owner to set her free...

* * * * *

The park was scattered with visitors, yet we had tucked ourselves away to a picnic table away from the common paths.  Sitting at the end of the table with Him standing between my spread legs, I rested my head on His chest and knew a bone deep peace.  However, my discomfort was rising.  The need to pee had been calling for the last mile or so, but every time we'd come to a rest area, He'd held me close and replied, "Not yet pet."  With a whimper I obeyed.

The loose button-down dress He'd chosen for me to wear was perfect for the burst of warm weather we were indulging in.  As our embraced continued His hands caressed my thighs higher and higher until the short length slipped from under my ass.  His hands were now low on my lush naked hips as neither panties nor a bra had been allowed when He outlined my attire for the day.

With a soft pat to my flesh, he asked so politely, "Do you still need to go, pet?"

"Yes, Sir," I murmured into His chest.

"So do I.  Let's take care of things shall we?"  With a sigh I pulled back to reach behind me for my small purse, but His hand gently caught my hand.  "Wait.  Lean back on your hands for Me, pet."  Of course I obeyed easily, thinking He only wanted to enjoy our solitude for another moment or two.  Instead I watched helplessly as He slowly began to unbutton the bottom of my dress.  With the first, I was only slightly intrigued.  With the second, my heart increased its tempo.  Another and my breath caught and a heated blush began to rise to the surface of my skin.  When he reached for the fourth I moaned knowing I was about to be fully exposed to Him.  He spread the material to the side and took in His property.

I watched as His eyes darkened, and His lids became heavy.  I could feel and see His beast rising from slumber.  "Scoot that ass to the edge and spread your fucking thighs for me, whore."  With a small whimper, I simply obeyed.  His jaw hardened as His gaze raked His meat.  'More!" He demanded.  "Show me My cunt."  I spread my thighs further and felt the tickle of the breeze lick my heavy lips as He took a step back.  I closed my eyes embarrassed and waited for His next command.  I heard His deep hum and knew I'd pleased the beast taking hold of Him.

At the small clang of His belt, my eyes flew open to watch His hands tug that leather strap from its cinch.  "Piss now, cunt."  I groaned deeply as His training of me kicked in hard.  My body began to relax and the pressure in my bladder began to flow downward.  He unbuttoned His jeans and lowered His zipper to pull out His soft dick.  My mouth watered to take Him in my mouth.  Then blessedly, my hot piss began to rain down from between my spread thighs to the packed dirt below.  The sound seemed to echo around us and fed my desire tenfold.  Lust slammed into me hard and deep.  I gasped and lunged my hips in need even has I flushed with humiliation.  "Fuck...you're such a filthy slut, aren't you?  Pissing like a dog for me."  I began to pant as the stream started to trickle off.

Careful of the puddle I'd left, He took a half step toward me, His dick held firmly in His hand.  "Spread those fat wet cunt lips and show me Me fuckhole."  I rushed to obey.  Always obey.  My need choked me.  I needed Him desperately.

"Please Sir..." I whimpered.  "Please..."

"What do you want cunt?  What do you need so badly?"

"You." I panted.  "I'm so close.  Please..."

When His fiery piss began to shower my pussy, I nearly lost it.  "Sir!  Yes!  Thank you!" I croaked fighting the orgasm flooding through me.

With a growl and another stream burning my flesh he finally gave me my release.  "Cum you filthy whore.  Cum as I piss all over you."  He deep quiet laugh only fed my madness.  He stopped His flow and watched as I bucked desperately on the wooden planks and squirted a hard deep orgasm, adding to the growing pool under us.

When the first wave crested, He reached up and grabbed my hair pulling my head back.  With His other hand He quickly finished unbuttoning the rest of my dress and exposed my breasts and stomach.  I couldn't summon the will to care.  I just panted like a dog having been run hard.  The dress hung off me and branded me a wanton slut.  "Get on the fucking ground," He ordered.

I awkwardly rose and shifted my weight forward drunk on my lust for Him.  I stumbled to the ground.  My knees spread straddling the pool of cum and piss on the ground.  Before I'd even completely caught my balance, He again began to mark and stain His property.  His hot wet rain splatter on my heavy pale breasts.  Rivers slid down my stomach and traveled down my thighs.  The smell enveloped me.  I gripped His waist trying to remain steady as another orgasm ripped through me.  "Yes...thank you, Sir." I chanted as  madness took me under.

Silence descended.  I dripped of Him.  I smelled of Him.  I was His.  Yet, still it wasn't enough.  He fisted my hair and pushed His hardening dick between my lips.  "Suck me clean and dry, dog."  I devoured shamelessly.  Kneeling in the dirt, covered in Him I licked the drops of cooling piss from His head and then swallowed His meat whole.  His groan told me His pleasure.  I slurped.  I choked.  I hungered.

"Open wide."  I obeyed.  Looking up to meet His heated gaze, He began to fuck my mouth harshly.  His firm wide head beat at the back of my throat.  Again and again.  My lips dripped with drool.  I looked the animal as His beast ravaged His willing victim.  He dragged my head deeper and shoved Himself violently down my throat.  I couldn't breath.  I couldn't move.  I could only take until His hot cum erupted.  His fierce growl sent me into another vicious orgasm as I swallowed and slurped up more of Him.  He pulled out and sprayed the last of His nut across my fevered skin.  The beast marking His pet and staining her soul.
~DominaKat

The Promises of My Submission

My submission is not given lightly.  It is hard won with strength of character, intelligence, patience, and focus.  Only one Man has ever held my leash and claimed me as His own.  While I may not be the most experienced sub/pet in the broad landscape of BDSM, I am always on a quest to better understand me and build a clearer vision of my submission.  These are my promises...

I promise loyalty.
I promise straightforward honesty.

I promise to be as courageous and strong as I can be.
I promise to be as helpless and as vulnerable as I am able.

I promise to be the best I have in me.

I promise to take care of myself so that I may serve.
I promise to take care of You so that I may please.

I promise to use my mind and heart for our benefit.
I promise you access to my body in any way You desire.

I promise to open myself mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I promise to give all that I can.
I promise to take all that is offered and demanded.

I promise not to run when I hurt or am afraid.
I promise to fight for You in all things.

I promise to obey.

I promise to learn from my mistakes.
I promise to forgive Yours.

I promise to help build our potential.
I promise to contribute to our dreams.

I promise to believe in You, myself, and in us.
I promise to follow Your lead.

I promise my love.
~DominaKat

Do You Ask Yourself?

~Not gentle.  Not kind.  Simply cutting through the bullshit and saying what needs to be said.~

When you're alone at night
With all your games silently asleep
Do you ask yourself...
How weak you are?

When no one is doting on you
Submersing you in attention
Do you ask yourself...
Will it ever be enough?

No matter how many you go through
How often you indulge
Do you ask yourself...
Why you're never sated?

When their fawning fades
And the emptiness gnaws at you
Do you ask yourself...
What will happen?

When you look back
And see your path littered
With serial relationships that never stuck
With brief unfulfilling encounters
With surface play that never quite touches you

Do you ask yourself...

If in the end
When your looks fade
When your body withers
When your time begins to disappear

Do you ask yourself...

If you'll be all alone?
In the end.

With no place to go
No one to turn to
No hand to hold
No love to shelter you

With nothing to hang on to
But emptiness

And no one to blame
but yourself.

Because you never invested all of you in another.
Instead choosing to be distracted by anything that came near.

Because you chose never to focus entirely on anyone
Other than yourself.

Because you wouldn't be strong enough
To make the hard choice to hang on with all you had.

Because you lacked the courage
To love someone more than your own selfish needs.

Because you refused to master your chaos.
And be honest, true, and devoted.

Because you never faced your deepest fears
And gave all you had to give to someone who loved you.

Do you ever ask yourself...

If in the end
You'll have nothing?
~DominaKat

Reality vs. Make Believe

It's been a very rough week.  Rough to where I couldn't even write.  I could barely sort through all of the emotions and thoughts flooding through me.  And I can't at all claim that I handled the mess that was put in front of me to the best of my ability.  No, I didn't set fire to everything while I stood in the middle of the chaos, which last time around I began to use as my MO, but I did contribute to the difficulties that followed.

Today, after slipping in the mess once again, I said fuck this and quit hoping for any answers that would completely wash away what happened.  The strong warrior in me has lost patience and had enough of babygirl's pain and confusion.  She ordered the hurt child to take her ass to bed for a while.  The answers I was given by the only ones offering their input would have to do.  I know what I know, and that's that.  For better or worse, my warrior (who has kept to the shadows for quite a while now) is in charge and telling the rest of me to,,,shut the fuck and get it the fuck together.  (lol Two Steps from Hell playing here...)

It's time to seriously regroup myself as well as look harshly at the multiple truths that should be guiding my way.  Because of multiple factors and influences, the line between what is real and what is make believe bullshit has gotten murky the last month, and I HAVE to clear the haze clouding my path.  Outlining my Truths is the first firm step in that direction.

Truth #1:  M is my Owner/Dom as well as my Man.

Until He walks the fuck away and lets me go, I am in a D/s relationship with M.  I am His pet.  His submissive.  He is my Owner and Dom.  No...He is not my mirage in the Dom desert.  He isn't an online fantasy to me contained in email threads and comments to my photos.  I've held His hand, kissed His lips, and held His dick firmly in my body for both of our pleasure.  In His arms, I've been His victim, His whore, and His babygirl.  I've curled at His feet.  I've knelt in front of Him as He's stained me in ways no Man has ever dared.  He's growled in my ear as He plunged relentlessly into my willing body.  He's held me - His pet - fiercely through the night.  I've taken His pain and flown as He whipped me, beat me, and punished me.  He's isn't just some guy filling my head with dreams from behind His computer screen or getting me off with His words and calls.  He is REAL.  He is tangible. 

Over the course of the last year and numerous visits, we have invested in each other mentally, emotionally, physically, and even practically.  We've debated politics until we were both heated and frustrated.  I've watched His face light up like a 12 year old boy and sing His ass off in public to one of His favorite songs without shame.  He's watched as I laughed and smiled while playing in the fountain in the middle of NYC like a child.  I've taken care of Him when He's sick.  He's scolded me for decisions He didn't like.  We've laughed together, plotted, brainstormed, argued, cried, told secrets, confessed sins...  Our lives have intertwined in more than just hot, sweaty bodies and wicked memories. I know Him.  He knows me. Both of us are deep down, past surface bullshit and pretend.  With every mask we've shed for one another, we've held on to us.  Reality - in all its unpretty, unflattering light - has not chased either of us away - though shallow cowards would and have cut bait and run when faced with the challenges we both bring to the mix.  No one in my life has ever said, "I'm not going anywhere." more times than Him.  In real time He's been my strong loving Daddy wiping away my tears, and I've been His soft spot - the one He turned to when He needed a safe place to land.  I've felt His pain.  And I made it my own.  Because I love Him.  Because I'm immeasurably strong.  Because I'm fiercely loyal.  Because I am fucking His.

I may not know every small bit of His life, but I know who He is and who He isn't.  I know His strengths and His weaknesses, and through it ALL I still very much love Him.  Not just a piece.  All of Him.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  That's how a Woman is with Her Man.  

Truth #2:  I Can ONLY Control Me

That's it.  Just me.  I can't control M.  I can't control His choices, His words, His actions, His intentions.  While He values my opinion and has allowed me in close enough to influence at times, when it comes down to it He owns every bit of Him.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

I also can't control the chaotic idiots on Fet.  I can't control trifflin' women hoping to steal their own slice of M.  I can't control foolish guys who contact me hoping I'm a lying, cheating whore interested in any piece of dick thrown my way.  I can't control the people around me or M in day to day life.  All I can control is me - my choices, my actions, my reactions, my efforts, my words, my intentions.

The way I carry myself and the decisions I make are a mirror who I am at my core - how I am.  I own how I engage in any activity around me be it intellectual conversation, frank talk of kink and sex, relationship issues, life's challenges, other's drama, stupid lies, blatant disrespect, whatever...  My most basic convictions are honesty and loyalty.  While those are mine, I can't make anyone else follow those same guidelines.  I wish it were otherwise, but it's just not fucking possible.  I don't lie, act disrespectfully, or cheat emotionally, mentally, or physically.  While other's may chose to be a hot mess, I don't.  I'm not an attention whore or a drama queen.  I'm not a stupid, worthless piece of meat eager for any fool's touch.  I'm not a frantic sub tossing myself at any Dom's feet hoping for validation.  I'm not a careless bitch or a silly child prone to tantrums.  

Yes, M and I have a D/s and specifically an O/p relationship.  I can't lie.  Our dynamic absolutely does influence me significantly.  We consensually and willingly agreed long ago to a power exchange that allows Him control over my behavior and actions, which has grown deeper with time and trust.  Because of that, I am a reflection of Him.  If He is frayed around the edges, very likely I will be a bit as well.  That's how these things work.  However, there is a limit to His control.  ~gasp~  Yes, I said it... limit.  Feel free to call the D/s cops.  Maybe some subs blame the D-types around them for their chaos, but I'm not one of them.  His ownership does not give me permission to act recklessly or in detriment to myself or Him.  

Just because I am His property, does NOT forgo my responsibility to behave as a strong, intelligent, rational, self-respecting grown-ass woman.  I haven't had a tight grip on this one recently.  No, I didn't make a public ass of myself, but I did struggle to find my strength.  While I am much better beginning this afternoon, there is progress left to be made.   I'm still relatively new at the lifestyle, and today I faced the truth that I've gotten too unsteady in my submission.  Part of that is due to circumstances that I have no control over.  But again, I can only control me.  With M's help and guidance, we need to fine tune my submission, so that I am the best I can be for Him and myself.  Until then, my more dominant/warrior side is front and center taking an assessment of everything in and around me.  And no...that doesn't in anyway mean I am not His sub/pet.  It means He has a lioness on His leash, not a worthless house cat.

Truth #3:  Fet is Not REAL

First I want to preface this with there is a handful of Fet friends I TRULY enjoy and value.  Their comments, emails, thoughts, and insights have made me laugh, think, and even grow a little.  And yes...there is somewhat of an entertainment value at times.  Once in a great while, I even learn something significant.  However too damn often, Fet is nothing but a HOT FUCKING MESS of lies, deceit, games, and drama played out by selfish, spineless children and wannabes.  At times being a part of Fet has become toxic both emotionally and mentally.  The bullshit that goes on in the background especially.  REALLY PEOPLE?!?  Fuck...do you have any sense of maturity or basic decency?  Augh...  Whatever...all I can say is karma is a bitch.  You'll reap what you sow.

But Fet isn't fucking REAL.  Only a handful of people know me as more than my handle, have my number, or met me.  99.9% of the profiles and portrayals are make believe crap.  Most never meet a single person in real life, instead cowardly choosing to engage in emotional and mental cheating on their significant real life other.  Their real lives are in shambles and chaos because they are cheaters, users, and crisis junkies all seeking attention to validate their miserable existence.  Only a fraction of the members have a clue as to what BDSM is, and most have no experience in anything but vanilla sex, simply hoping to engage in  the ultimate fuck fest.  ~eye roll~  On top of that the ones that do engage in the lifestyle tend to have so many hidden issues they are essentially broken and need to either grab their nuts or seek true mental health guidance.  Blah...

I'm pretty much disgusted and tired of hopefully stopping by to engage in fun or meaningful banter only to see the sea of lies, misery, and stark desperation flooding my feed.  I'm stepping back.  WAY back.  While I will engage with those I value, I am distancing myself from the ugly make believe nonsense to focus on me and what will take me further not only in kink and my submission but also my life.  

Truth #4:  Paranoia Will Only Make Me Crazy

I've experienced my share of relationship bullshit.  I've seen the insane and crazy shit some people intentionally choose to do to one another.  But I can NOT live in paranoia-ville.  I won't.  The last man that I was involved with played games and lied to the point of twisting me up in knots and pushing me to be a cold bitch.  I left that mess behind and will NEVER fucking return to that kind of existence.  I'd rather be a nun.  Yep...given that we live 400 miles away, M could very well be fucking every sub in NYC, and I wouldn't have a damn clue.  He could have online and real time relationship with dozens of women.  I can NOT focus on what could be's and maybe's.  All that does is eat a person alive from the inside out.  And the sad fact is, plenty of men and women engage in multiple relationships while living with their significant other.

If M, for whatever reason, got His dick wet, then together we'd deal with it.  I've dealt with cheating and gotten through it.  I've been in open relationships.  I've been in poly situations.  That's not to say there aren't consequences tied to each of these situations.  We're human.  There is cause and effect.  You can't get away from that.  But since I was 19, I treated sex differently than others and not viewed sex as criminal.  Lies and games...that's a different story.  But again...I can't live constantly afraid of what I may not know.  The one thing I've learned in life is that at some point if there's shit in the background, I eventually know.  I'll handle it then leaning heavily on Truth #2.  I can ONLY control me.  

Truth #5:  Balance - I Need It

I need to be balanced physically, emotionally, and mentally.  When any of these are off kilter, the others also follow.  Another one I need to work on.  I'm off balance and not at my best.  It's time I changed that.

Just getting through all those first handful of truths...I'm better than I have been.  There's others I need to remind myself of, but for now it's a start.  I'm getting it together.  For me.  For M.  Where I have been is not where I want to stay, so I've cleaning the muck off and moving on.  Where this path leads I'll find out soon enough.

~DominaKat