Daddy's Embrace

My thoughts are quiet and hazy.
I'm drifting toward slumber.
And all I can feel is Him.

His scent.
The warmth of Him.
The solid length of Him next to me.

The warm, easy tug of our love that envelopes me.

All is well.
All is right.
Here.
With Him.

Security as I've never known.
So peaceful and gentle.
My heart swells.
My soul surrenders.

And I sleep in my Daddy's embrace.

Now here it is less than three days from when I first penned those words, and I don't know what happened.  I only know I ache like I've been beaten, and no one will explain.
~DominaKat

Haunted

I haven't slept well for days.  Dreams haunted me night after night.  Three nights ago, I lost M in a diner and couldn't find him anywhere, while at the same time my ex-husband disappeared with my kids.  Two nights ago, an ex lover made an appearance in my dream telling me I was nothing but a stupid dog.  And last night, I dreamt I was building a house, and when I came back the next day someone else had razed what I'd built and was building their own because the land had been given to them instead.

Funny thing those dreams.

Funny thing this life.
~DominaKat

Knife In Hand

When the Warrior in me is forced to draw her knife in defense, it is an extremely difficult process to lower her guard again...  

She paces in agitation.  Her tranquility at least momentarily shattered.  She chastises herself for her carelessness and surveys again and again the perimeter.  She questions her judgement.  Was she so wrong?  Where did she fail?  She thought nothing could get through.  She thought they were finally secure and protect, insulated from threats.  Yet that little something she had thought harmless had slithered its nasty way to the edge of the sanctuary she'd found for them and grazed her from a distance with a messy flesh wound.

Bandaged, blood stained, and angry, the itch to suit up in armor claws at the back of her neck.  The urge to grab her shields eats at her instincts.  The need to have every weapon close at hand stalks her soul.  With another deep breath, she holds back from those defensive habits trusting the perimeter to hold.  Yet, the warrior is a bitch.  She resents the wound she suffered and thirsts for total resolution.  She aches to hunt and destroy. To see the carcass bleed out and burn.  However, she holds back again, knowing unnecessary drama will only cause further chaos.  

It is not herself that the warrior seeks to defend.  She knows she can endure anything and everything.  She'd been tested through fire and hell.  She'd survived pits of darkness so deep the inky blackness forever stained her soul.  She'd been tortured and broken yet crawled her way inch by inch away from her captors.  She will never break or shatter again.  It is them she must protect.  

The precious little girl.  The warm, giving woman.  The insatiable whore.  They are her weakness.  They are the ones she protects against pain and harm.  They are the ones that would suffer agonizing destruction.  She is their last and only defense if the strong perimeter she'd found failed.  

While battling their own nervousness, they all try to reassure her, so she'll put away her knife.  Everyone wishes things to simply go back to normal.  The child's soft pleas barely penetrate her thoughts.  The woman's hopefully reasoning a distant murmur as she runs through her mental checklist.  The whore's silent acceptance and withdrawal a harsh reminder of the costs.  What they want, the warrior doesn't know how to give.  She fears being lulled into a false sense of peace like before, and the cost could be them whom she holds so dear.  

The warrior closes her eyes and prays for clarity.  Then, with her knife still clutched firmly in her hand, she once again scans the distance for other threats she doesn't understand.  She doesn't know what she needs to see, hear, feel or know to lower her guard again.  All she can do is wait until their safety is once again unquestioned and in the meantime follow her only mission...to defend and protect.  

~DominaKat

I Try

I don't always know what to do.
I don't always know what to say.

I try.
But sometimes I think I fuck it up.

I can't really read between the lines.
I can't really tell up from down sometimes.

I try.
But the lines get blurry, and I get dizzy.

I'm never sure when to let go.
I'm never sure when to hang on.

I try to figure it out.
But my instincts never seem to be right.

I know I want love.
I know I want tomorrows.

I try my best to help those grow.
But I'm still new at that kind of thing and don't always know how.

I'm sometimes scared.
I'm sometimes just a little girl.
I'm sometimes brave.
I'm sometimes a strong, vicious warrior.

I try to figure out when to be what.
But sometimes they are all just jumbled up inside me.

I'm honest.
I'm straightforward.

I try not to be too much.
But sometimes that honesty and straightforwardness leads me right into brick walls.

I try to do my best.
I try to do what's right.
I try to be good.
I try to be enough.

I try to be me.

I try.
~DominaKat

His Shelter

I am submissive.

But I am not weak.

I am not a lamb.

I will not run.

I will not hide.

I will not break.

I am His lioness.

His warrior.

The woman by His side.

Let me be...

His shelter.

I am strong.

I am wise.

I am fearless.

I've risked my heart.

I've given Him my soul.

I would lay down my life.

I will defend to my last breath.

I will support until I collapse.

I will protect until I am no more.

Let me be...

His shelter.

I ask.

Please, may I?

Please, could He?

Let me in.

Past the Dom to the Man.

Don't shut me out of what's real.

Don't hide the truth.

Don't pretend it's okay.

Don't put on a mask.

Let me be...

His shelter.

Let me be the one.

To strengthen Him.

Let me be the one.

Who holds His will when He isn't strong.

Let me be the one.

With the courage to do battle as He rests.

Let me be...

His shelter.

Together we can fight through.

The hurdles and roadblocks.

And life's brutal challenges.

I will be strong FOR Him.

I will be strong WITH Him. 

Because I believe IN Him. 

But I can only do those things if He...

Let's me be...

His shelter.
~DominaKat

The Cliff

Somewhere...

Somehow...

I found the courage

To fall in love again.  

I avoided that breath-taking edge.

For so very long.

I believed there would never be another.

Who would tempt me.

To dream and hope.

To risk so much of myself.

To put everything on the line.

Yet, I slowly slid

Down that deep, terrifying cliff.  

When I'd grasp onto a hold.

To stop my frightening decent.

He'd whisper to me.

And I'd feel myself let go again to fall further.

Now, I am helpless and vulnerable.

At the base of that inescapable cliff.

I dare to hope.

I want to dream.

I give all that I am.

I stand strong.

My soul stripped bare.  

Exposed, raw, and tender.

At His mercy.

I tremble with fear.

Yet committed to my choice.

To face the unknown.

And take a chance at love.

Under the shadow.

Of that sheer, immovable cliff.

~DominaKat

RANT: Adults ONLY Please

Okay...I'm going to temper this by saying I'm cutting back on smoking on my way to quitting (fuck...I finally put that in print.  Ehhhhh...), so some of my iri-fucking-tation may be contributed to that.

If you can't BE an adult, if you can't ACT like an adult, log the fuck off and go back to Facebook.  Please.  Leave the rest of us in fucking peace to enjoy our kink.

In the last couple of months, I've gotten so burnt the fuck out on Fet that I can barely summons the motivation to type a damn simple sentence.  Yes...there are still a handful of fun, interesting people that I enjoy, but for the most part I am starving for adult interaction on a site supposably filled with consenting fun adults.

1.  High school drama.  Omfg...are you people for REAL?!?  The clicks.  The bullying.  The taking sides.  The picking on people for being ~gasp~ different then you.  The stalking.  The The hoity-toity "I'm better than you" attitudes.  I have gotten headaches more times than I can count from rolling my eyes over the last few months.

2.  EVER HEARD OF DECORUM or CLASS?!?  Yes...relationships exist on Fet.  But here is a small, tiny hint...your relationship chaos does NOT have to feed into the forums.  If you must...go write a note or post to your status.  But spewing blatant "isn't this fucked up" questions/hints/rants on group forums is fucking pathetic.  If your relationship hasn't exploded already, trust me it will.  Any sub publicly making an ass of her "Dom" tells every fucking one several things.
A.  You have no clue how to be a submissive and any Dom should RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE from your juvenile ass.
B.  You have no respect for yourself or the Dom
C.  The Dom has no fucking control over the situation and needs to drop you like a red hot branding iron.
If you consider yourself a "Dom" and do this kind of shit... maybe you should look up rule number 1 in just about every Dom description out there.  "Master yourself first."

3.  Not EVERY post has to be a fucking public service announcement about your kink in a group that is not specifically about said kink.  Shut the fuck up already!  Everyone gets it.  YOU are the poster fucking child for x and y and how dare anyone not think the world of your x and y.  Whatthefuckever.  If a group is NOT specifically about x and y, limit your threads to maybe three or four in a months time, not 15!  Don't you get TIRED?!?  Because the rest of us sure the fuck do

4.  If you are shocked and appalled by something don't fucking look at it!  If it breaks TOU of Fet report it.  But making it some hot topic quite frankly feeds the "attention seeking" extremists more than it does your point.  Trust me...anyone that has been on the site for more than a day realizes this place is at times crazy.  If you do any poking around, yep...you will absolutely find some dark, creepy corners that may traumatize you.  It is part of the learning curve of Fet that we have all gone through at one point.  Follow the basic "scary movie" rules...trust your gut.  If it starts to feel icky...turn the fuck around.  Your experience will be all the better for it.  Don't like gang-bangs? Don't follow the breadcrumbs.  Don't like piss play?  Don't click on that group.  Don't like arm pit licking...don't perv the arm pit lickers entire photo bonanza.  Enjoy your visit.  Don't torture yourself.

5.  Take a deep breath and just calm the fuck down.  You may be Lord of whatever, but trust me buddy I haven't caught you on CNN recently running your own country or religion.  So what if so and so did X, Y, or Z...you don't need to post to your status, blog, write up 3 forum threads, change every single one of your privacy settings, have a fight with your SO, and find 20 new saying pics to add to your profile.  Log off...go read a book, take a bath, work out, take a walk, tell someone you love them.  Real life is those you have met and touched and loved and laughed with.  Fet is simply a virtual playground.  If you're not having fun...take a break.  Trust me....you'll be better for it.

6.  Respect.  Is it really that fucking hard to show a little respect to one another?

Yes...I realize I absolutely need to take my own advice on 4 to avoid the drama and 5 to calm down and take a break when it becomes unfun.  But at least I feel fucking better after venting, and this is my blog post.  You volunteered to read my rambling.  It wasn't shoved in your inbox screaming look at me!

Now...I'm going to go stretch with some yoga and music.  Then take a shower.  Read a little, and talk to my so sane and calm Daddy before I go to bed.  All of that plus a few days away from the circus should put me in a better frame of mind.
~DominaKat

He Opened My Eyes to Me

At 40 you would think I'd know myself pretty well, but being M's through almost all of last year has taken me down roads I never expected and not just the kinkalicious kind.  (Though those have been absolutely fucking amazing!!!!  But I don't want to get sidetracked...)  I remember early on in our conversations he said I would be transformed.

You could say I didn't necessarily respond with zeal.  Transform?!?  I mean I know I'm not perfect, but I thought I was a pretty decent catch as is.  I'd done a lot of soul searching over the last ten years to find me.  I was pretty confident of who I was.  What more could there be?  Well...it turns out that M was right.  (Yeah...yeah...He usually is.)  Looking back now,  I realize just how much he showed me there was left in me to discover.

From the first moment we met...touched...kissed, M's affection stood out like a shining beacon on a cold empty night.  He held my hand every moment he could.  For miles as we wandered NYC and shared pieces of ourselves, his long fingers were entwined securely with mine.  At the movies, at dinner, wandering a store, riding the subway...He would reach for me.  A simple touch, a caress, a hand on my thigh, I experienced affection like I never had.  When we were tucked away, he'd wrap me up in His embrace so tight, so warm, so strong.  He melted the last of my walls not by force but through His consistent, warm touch.  I felt openly wanted and cherished.  I felt truly claimed for the first time as a woman.  I'd grown use to keeping my distance.  I either didn't feel any need to connect like that with a guy or it was an intentional effort to protect myself - to steel myself from being lulled into false security.  With His persistence M showed me my long abandoned affectionate side and how very much I needed to give and receive that precious and meaningful intimacy.  With every moment we've shared, affection has been center stage.  It's a natural extension of our emotional tie.  It's a demonstration to each other whether in private or in public that we are proud of each other and that we care deeply for one another.

After spending my 20's in a train wreck of a marriage, I essentially wrote off that I could ever take care of a man in any traditional way.  I'm not Betty Crocker or Martha Stewart.  ~shrug~  Given the emotional abuse by my ex, I had convinced myself that traditional female roles just weren't in any way my forte.  Until M, the very thought of a man wanting me to cook for him filled me with dread and anxiety.  Yet, somewhere along my journey with M I found myself wanting to open my life to Him in a practical way.  I've mentioned before that He was the first guy in about six years that I let into my home.  But it wasn't just His presence that was a huge step for me.  From the moment he stepped in my door, I let myself try again to be a woman to a man.  So vanilla, but it was scarier than anything He could have expected of me kink-wise.  He didn't have to demand.  He didn't have to instruct me.  The desire to take care of Him in little practical ways came naturally.  He inspired me, and I trusted that He would accept my efforts with love.  No...I haven't become Betty or Martha.  That isn't me.  But I love to cook for Him, feed Him, stock my home and fridge with the things that make Him comfortable.  I smile and melt a little when I come across bits of Him in my home.  I smile to myself at the memories of us making breakfast or dinner, of me bringing Him a drink as we we curled up on the couch to watch a movie, of me undressing Him after a night out so that we can crawl in the nest.  Are all of those little things?  Not for me.  Those are some of the biggest things of all.  They say more than anything that we are more than fun, laughs, and thrills in a hotel room...we're real. 

There are so many other transformations I've gone through.  He showed me how to love again.  He helped me find the sweetness and purity of tears.  He let out the playful little girl that smiles and laughs and teases without hesitation.  He...  ~sigh~  I could go on and on.  The simple fact is...He has irreparably changed me.  When I put my hand in His, I really had no idea how many different ways he would open my eyes to me.  It makes me wonder...what else is there in me left to find as we continue on our journey together?  Hmmmmm...
~DominaKat

Nope.  This post wasn't kinky or sinful or decadent, but my submission to M was never just been "in the bedroom."  I put my hand in His to lead me and us. I knelt at His feet in complete surrender.  Those acts weren't about sex.  In my submission to M,  I dropped every one of my guards - emotional, mental and physical - to give Him all of me.  He wanted ALL of me.  Not just the whore and slut who would give Him pleasure, but also the woman who could be a partner and mate.  I haven't regretted a moment of my journey with M or the growth that has come with each of our steps.

Quotes to Start the Year

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
E. M. Forster

How do you drive 3,000 miles to Graceland and never see Elvis.  ~Maximus

2013 already has many possibilities, which ones will come to fruition remains to be seen.  I will approach the year as I do everything else - with honor, integrity, honesty, and loyalty - and hope that I have the courage to embrace what is waiting for me and the strength to follow through on what I attempt.
~DominaKat