Sunday, October 21, 2012

Reprogrammed Default Settings

Every day a little more light shines down on where I'm at in my journey.  My reactions to the new realizations vary from joy to a bit of fear, from blessed relief to a wave of awe.  Today was no different.  It was a very busy Sunday with company and people and laughter and stories.  M and I touched bases briefly throughout the day, but our individual here and nows took precedence.

Typically after a day like today, I close the door and breathe in the blessed silence, happy to face solitude after overwhelming togetherness.  Yet tonight was different.  The first thought that wove around me was of walking into Daddy's arms and trailing little quiet kisses under His chin, down His neck and across His collarbone.  I wanted to nuzzle up so close and smell Him so deep.  I craved being wrapped contentedly in His warmth.  Not in passion.  Not in relief.  Just...because.

Silly you might think.  Maybe for you that's simply a careless habit.  For me though...that's big.  Real big.  It's not the softness that is the surprise.  I'm becoming more and more use to that new set of emotions.  It was my instinctual, immediate urge to go to Him in a moment that over the last twenty years has always been to seek solitude.  I can find no other way to sum this up except in techie language...my default settings have been reprogrammed.  lol

My reaction isn't shock or surprise...but a gentle warm wash of wonder.  Quickly followed by a lighthearted, "no one told me this would happen!"  Where was the heads up for this in the D/s manual?  There was plenty of review on spicy flogging and yummy bondage and the hot mindfuck, but no one prepared me for this kind of...transformation.  It wasn't mentioned in the books, in the forums, in the community.  M damn sure didn't mention this kind of change!  lol  Is this...normal???

My Dom, my Owner, my Master, my Daddy, my...M is also my Love.  I don't simply seek Him just as my dominant for passion and kink or my protective safety net or my heart pounding, gut wrenching love.  Don't get me wrong...those are all aspects of my relationship with M.  However, there's now an element that has essentially crept quietly and deeply into me.  I now move through my life with Him as my heart's intertwined companion.

In my usual Spock manner I'm tugging at the strings here.  There are a hundreds reasons why I've slowly grown to find M so much a part of me, yet I never imagined this kind of relationship.  It was something hinted at in movies and glimpsed upon in very rare relationships around me.  It wasn't something I foolishly hoped for nor expected in the least.  This wasn't a dream I would let myself crave nor believe a Man might hope to share with me.  Hell...if I had been warned this might happen I may have ran or at least fought to keep it at bay.

Is this a sub/slave thing?  Does this happen all the time?  Are we the only one's reprogrammed?  In a D/s framework when two people fit well together, do Doms with all their control and mastery also find their default setting adjusted? (No...I haven't yet spoken to M yet about this tangle of thoughts in my head.  lol  There hasn't been time yet for us to settle down and catch up, so I'm playing with the threads on my own, which yes...can be a dangerous thing.  :-P )  Do Doms instinctually begin to reach for their subs out of a fundamental need to have their slave, sub, pet, babygirl close to them?  Not in search of comfort but simply because their s is as necessary and natural to them as breathing?

Because if this is simply another one-way street of the s giving control to the D, I'm likely to be annoyed as hell.  lol
~DominaKat

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Our Dark Storm

We dance.
We battle.
We drown.
In our dark storm.

Wicked.
Consuming.
Destruction.

Our passion like no other.
It steals my breath.
It stains our skin.
Our souls soaked with sin.

I sob.
Scream.
In ecstasy.

I am wild.
Mindless.
Insatiable for you.
At the mercy of your sadistic desires.

You growl.
Demand.
Your viciousness free to conquer.

You are my Beast.
Hungry.
Feast on our chaos.
Gorge on your helpless victim.

Yours to devour.
His meant to sate.
Our destiny.

Bound and helpless.
You take and torment with joy.
Punishing and greedy.
I accept and relish it all.

Smeared lipstick.
Jagged tear-filled sobs.
Dripping thighs.

Your fist clenches around my tender throat.
Your hands brutalize your pet's creamy flesh.
Whimpers and pleas echo in the wind.
Orgasms rips through me at my demise.

Hard dick pulses.
Fingers drenched in her hot cum.
A triumphant roar.

Your whore's soft lips to suck and devour.
Her sweet juicy cunt begs for more.
That fat ass open and waiting.
You consume all of me.

I am lost.
You are waiting.
We are found.

You command the violence.
I surrender to our dark storm.
My total submission at your feet.
Your leash I bow my head to follow. 

Drag your willing whore further.
Into your darkness.

Each breath.
Ever darker.

Each step.
Ever closer to home.

In our Dark Storm.


~DominaKat

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Dark Madness & Sin

Dress pushed up to my waist, heavy tits hanging out of my dress, I crawled to the bedroom praying He wouldn't slap that wooden spatula across my ass again.  It stung like nothing else.  I hate paddles, yet He found such a rush at my whimpers and pleas.  He laughed as His nasty slut made her way to the bedroom on her hands and knees like a dog.  Yes, I was His bitch to command, and my cunt wept with greed at the reality.

Within moments I was on my back in bed with my already cum drench thighs spread wide and wanton.  There was no thought, no reason, no doubt.  Just sheer fucking need to take anything he gave me.  I'd have taken anything.  Oh...that's right...I did take "anything."

He sat on the edge of the bed between my gaping legs.  The sunlight poured over my skin and left nothing hidden in shadows.  I was His whore.  Pride and embarrassment couldn't register through the heavy drug of dark lust running through me.  He could see blatantly how wet His bitch was, how His dog's clit begged for Him, how His meat was swelled up and aching to be stroked, how His fuckhole widened so damn eager to take.  His finger slid effortlessly into His cunt.  A sigh escaped my lips.  Another finger.  A moan.  A third.  A gasp.

Mmmmm...yes...filled! Exactly what I craved so desperately.  But he didn't stop as He usually did.  He didn't warn me.  He didn't prep me with lube or coddle me with soft words.  He simply kept taking what he wanted.

His forth finger unapologetically joined to thrust inside His property.  "Such a good slut."  He kept working His sopping wet hole.  Juices covered His fingers and hand.  I rode the wave building higher and higher.  I arched into His thrusts mindlessly.  He stretched and pushed until suddenly I was fuller than I'd ever fucking been in my life.  Orgasms crashed over me as His entire fucking fist rammed and twisted inside me.   I looked between my legs to see nothing but His wrist, and I was mentally shattered at the sight.  There is nothing like a fist shoved inside a cunt to brutally demonstrate what a whore one is.  It was divine.  The sweet filling pain...the incredible pleasure...the absolute intimacy...  I couldn't think.  I simply took Him like a greedy filthy slut grunting and moaning and squirting.  His pussy sucked at His hand and gave way to His thrusts.  Again and again.  I begged for more.  "Yes...fuck your hole, M.  Take.  Don't stop."  I was His soft wet pink glove.   I was His in a way no one had ever dared claim.

When His fist pulled gently out of me, there was barely a moment to breathe before He was between my spread thighs again.  I was high off Him and His touch.  Limp and mindless, I was completely owned and eager for my Beast to keep feasting from me.  Luckily, He was still quite hungry.  He'd never pushed me this hard.  No one had.  I gloried in it.  And as the cool smooth metal of the bat slid across the tender folds guarding His hole, I willingly met His demand and followed Him deeper than I'd ever been into His darkness.

Still drenched and gaping, the bat slipped effortlessly into His fuckmeat.  His dark chuckle thrilled me.  Just the fact that my body so greedily accepted so much so well was proof to Him of how dirty and nasty a slut I truly was.  I was meant to be used and used hard.  Deeper and deeper He thrust.  I reached between my legs and pulled my folds harshly out of the way.  I fucking wanted as much as I could take.  With every inch I crossed further and further over the edge of madness and found pure freedom.  He took pictures and video of His whore's wildness.  I abandoned all sense of self and simply existed for my Owner's pleasure.  He fucked me ruthlessly with the top eight inches of unbending metal.  In and out He fed His hungry wet pussy.  I was an animal rutting in heat.  I panted and growled and came on that rod relentlessly without remorse.  He shoved.  I took.  I held nothing back and gave Him my fucking soul.  I was everything and nothing as I watched Him take in the scene with a dark wicked smile.  Finally, He'd set the whore I'd always known I held free.  I followed his lead and ran with Him through our madness.

Nothing has ever made me feel so powerful and alive as to be my Beast's eager victim in dark madness and sin.
~DominaKat

Monday, October 15, 2012

Lessons of Being A Great Fuck

Octobers are usually a bit insane for me.  The number of life changing moments attributed to this month is beyond coincidence.  February is the other one.  ~sigh~  Yes...I am nervous, but there really isn't much to do except wait for it.  Because of that and a number of other reasons, I'm reflecting this evening.

I look back just a year ago...harsh, harsh lessons.  I remember the pain.  I remember the reality.  I was forced to realized that my partner at the time would never choose to nurture or cherish me.  I was too far away, too smart, too aggressive, too dominant, too whatever for tenderness.  Consideration and kindness weren't on His agenda.  I was simply a great fuck.  "I want to fuck you for the rest of my life.  I never want to stop."  Those were his words as I watched him from the bed, knowing in my heart and mind that those were the last days I'd ever see him.  He'd stated what he wanted, demonstrated his self-interest, and I was unwilling to tolerate either.

While I no longer hate him for his games, those lessons can never be unlearned.  It wasn't until the fiasco of our tumultuous relationship that I truly understood how many guys in my life had just enjoyed how I fucked them and never inconvenienced themselves out of any genuine love for me.  Few have loved me.  Most...just loved to fuck me.

I am and have always been a very sexual creature.  Sexuality is a fundamental aspect of my core.  Because of that, there is a part of me that does seek to be the best fuck a man has ever experienced.  I absolutely want to be craved by my partner.  Yet...only being valued for how I spread my legs tends to leave me hallow and cold.  In the kinky land of BDSM, that inner conflict has been and sometimes still is extremely difficult for me to reconcile at times.

I am an insatiable whore, yet I want to be valued and appreciated for all of me.  I can soak a bed with cum for an apt lover.  I can suck a dick very well for hours.  I can take pain and love it rough.  I like things freaky and crave an outstanding mindfuck.  lol  However, there is much, much more to me.  I am smart.  I am occasionally silly.  I am fiercely loyal.  I can be soft and tender.  I can be incredibly strong.  I may want to fuck dirty and nasty to exhaustion, yet deep in my soul I want to grow old with someone I love true and who loves me true...someone who will still hold my hand when we're 65 and whose eyes will still light up in that special way only for me.

A year ago, I paused in my journey, finally understanding what I didn't want.  I knew that with the right Man, BDSM and kink were where I would finally discover contentment and quench the hunger I have always kept chained and buried inside me.  However, just a kinky dick was never going to do it.  While I could flirt and banter with most, I would never find what I searched for handing playtime out like candy.  Regardless of my sex drive, I would never find peace as a surface player.  Only cold, hollow emptiness.  I needed and deserved more.  I craved depth and intimacy and a strong connection that would bind us together not simply physically but mentally and emotionally.

So I changed the direction of my journey and have been rewarded a thousand times over.  I waited to find a Man who would see all of Me AND have the strength, knowledge, and experience to tame me. Comments, flirting, compliments, and requests to crawl between my legs could evaporate immediately and it would not phase me.  It is only within the comfort, security, trust, and respect of my relationship with M that I'm truly learning just how great a fuck I can be and I how great ALL of me truly is.
~DominaKat

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Temporary Emptiness

My previous post set off some warning bells with a few friends as well as with M.  Let me very clear here...NONE of those things have EVER happened nor been suggested, and M was VERY concerned after reading my post.  Often times, written words are my best form of communication.  Within them I find a clarity and expression that I can never articulate verbally as I'm thinking in the moment when I speak.  As I write...I turn inside and forget everything around me to pull at the tangle of threads cluttering my mind.  Yesterday was no different.  I explored in that moment where I was.  No...it wasn't pretty.  However, it wasn't the ugly dragging muck of depression either.  I was neutral.  I was detached and unengaged.  It wasn't that I was lost.  It was simply the emotional pieces of me were buried deep asleep and silent.

There were many factors that likely prompted my emptiness.

I'd just returned back to my quiet, calm sanctuary after a week of visiting with family and nearly grown children.  There were long hours in the car.  There was laughter and joy and annoyances and a nearly unrelenting sea of visiting.  Even though my children look me in the eye if not down at me and their lives are now essentially their own, I was able to put my hands on my kids' heads and run my fingers through their hair just as I did when they were toddlers.  That little joy is a rare and blessed treat now a days.  Being able to briefly and practically step into the role of mom for a moment is quite a break from my essentially solitary and peaceful life in the woods.  I look back on yesterday as a pain-free transition out of that role and back in the everyday worries and stress of real life.

Another contributing factor would be that M was neither here nor actively seeking any direct form of my submission from afar.  Not unusual at all.  We ebb and flow based on our needs and life's demands.  What was unusual for me was that with the emptiness that filled me, I couldn't connect in any way to my submission.  There was no defiance or rebellion.  I was simply disconnected.  I've played a little before when I found myself in this headspace, and it's quite frankly a curiosity that I'm interested in exploring.  My pain threshold rises quite high.  In the few self-imposed experiments I've attempted, pain simply doesn't register in the same way.  Instead of feeling those sweet dark sensations and devouring that energy like a hungry beast.  I'm nearly numb.  I'd very much like to play with M during one of these days to determine how I would handle His pain and if I can even find that beautiful masochist space He always takes me to.  Then again...I'm not even sure one of these...moods? would occur with M in direct proximity.  After His response to my writing yesterday, I know damn sure, He would do His best to get me out of that funk.  He did NOT like where I was, and for that I'm comforted.

Today, I'm a bit less detached as I'm getting my regular groove back.  I sincerely apologize if I gave anyone cause for concern.  That was not at all my intention.  I was merely ruthlessly digging into my psyche and exploring my temporary emptiness.  I was very surprised at the responses I received from my Fet acquaintances.  Too often the surface banter and careless mentality seems to be the most prevalent message across Fet.  While I know there is MUCH more depth to be found within the community, I've rarely received that type of kindness/communications since I still consider myself new and learning, and I tend stand by the sidelines in the larger scheme of the community.  To those that reached out...a very heartfelt thank you.  :-)  ~hugs~
~DominaKat

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Empty and Obedient

UPDATE/IMPORTANT NOTE: Let me very clear here...NONE of the situations below have happened nor been suggested, and M was VERY concerned after reading my post. Often times, written words are my best form of communication. Within them I find a clarity and expression that I can never articulate verbally as I'm thinking in the moment when I speak. As I write...I turn inside and forget everything around me to pull at the tangle of threads cluttering my mind. This post was no different. I explored in that moment where I was and there were many factors that likely prompted my emptiness.  For more on those see the next post:  Temporary Emptiness

**************

There are days when submission is neither felt nor inspired.  I am empty today.  My sex drive  is flat.  My heart feels cut off.  I just breathe and do.  When that grey sea of nothing overtakes me, my submission exists only consciously.  I am obedient.  These words are a result of that.  Anything He asked, requested, or demanded I would do.  In some ways, I am the perfect toy in this mood as nothing touches me.  There are no emotions to counter, no physical sensitivities, and no...morals or ethics.  All of that is in a deep quiet sleep far, far away.

If He pushed Himself between my legs and shoved His hard dick through my dry folds, tearing into His tender cunt, I'd simply open wider.  I would be His cock warmer.  His cum dump.  His rag doll to use.  My body might get wet.  It may even cum.  But I'd feel nothing inside.  I would lay there nearly unresponsive as He took what He desired.  "Yes, Sir."

If He told me to spread my legs and bend over the counter as I did dishes, I would.  I'd stand quiet and unmoving as my sadistic bastard defiled His holes however He chose.  I'd arch my back, so He could watch whatever thing He chose to fuck His property with slide in and out of my flesh.  I'd feel no embarassment.  Meat feels nothing.  It is only consumed.

If He asked me to crawl naked down NYC's busy Broadway leashed like a dog, I would.  I would be oblivious to the humiliation and the rough scrapes of the pavement on my hands and knees.  I'd follow His lead.  I would take treats from His hand because He expected it.  I would squat on command and piss on the sidewalk without a care.  A good bitch obeys her owner.

If He tied me up and chose to beat me, I'd lay there and take each strike with a "Thank you Sir."  The pain would barely register.  His crop's lick.  His flogger's kiss.  His belt's blow.  His hand's slap.  His wooden spatula's sting.  He could pound at me.  He could paint His canvas in bruises and welts, but I would likely not flinch.  No tears.  No pleads.  Mercy would be completely unnecessary.  Then when he abandons me still bound on the floor, His piss drying on my skin, I would wait with unending patience for His return, entombed in my grey nothingness.

If He pulled out my fat, heavy tits in a crowded bar filled with men, I would sit silently uncaring as others licked me with their eyes.  If he chose to let them grope, His whore would submit to the use without shame.  If he laid me out on the table and shoved my dress to my waist and made me squirt in front of a rapt audience of strangers, I would neither resist nor feel any high.  If he commanded me to lay there as a train ran between my thighs, I'd silently watch His face curious as to His reaction as anonymous men took their fill of a random, nameless gutter slut available for rutting.  When He'd had His fill and finally decide it was time to leave, I'd walk quietly beside Him reeking of sex.  An empty ghost unmoved from the sins committed in the previous hours.

Sometimes all I do is exist.  When He is ready for all of me, He'll tug those strings, and I'll be whole once more.  Until then...all that's left is for me to obey.
~DominaKat

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Ever Darker

I've crossed a line.  There's no longer any going back.  I've now done things that no decent, nice girl would do...would allow...would even think about.  Yet, I eagerly and willingly did them with and for M, and I relished every moment of them.

Each time I spread my legs for Him I open myself further to His wicked, sadistic ways.  He sets the whore in me free and toys with her slow demise.  Even the smallest acts take on a dark shadow.  When I spread my long thick legs and bent over the counter with my dress pushed up my waist, He played with His fuck hole until cum rained down across the floor.  Every splash, every drip, echoed through the house branding me His greedy slut.  The slippery puddle evidence of my unrepentant sins.  I came and came like a facet for Him.  As his dick slid in and out of His hole I realized I was doomed.  I craved being His insatiable slut.  I'd never get enough of Him.

When I knelt in my own juices and sucked my cum off his hard dick, choking and drooling, I knew nothing but serving Him.  I proudly looked up at my Master as He fucked my face and gave me purpose.  When I clung to His feet, I embraced my submission and my fate.  I would do anything He demanded.  So, I obeyed like any good bitch would and crawled across the cold hard tile through the house as He beat me.  However, that was only a prelude.

When finally I found the comfort of the bed, it truly began.  I left sanity and reason behind.  There was only M.  I was pure animal as He did things to His whore that I'll never admit to anyone.  I watched through a dark sexual haze His smile of delight as He took and did exactly what He desired.  He violated me like no other.  I stared down between my open legs and panted like a wanton dog at the humiliating things He did to me.  I had never felt such intense mindless pleasure.

And I want more.  He knows instinctually I crave more.  Within M's darkness I find freedom to be who and what I've always held deeply buried in my soul.  His nasty whore.  His depraved slut.  His property.  He's barely scratched the surface with me.  It stuns me to know there is so much left to explore with Him.

With each step, my journey with M becomes ever darker.  In those inky shadows I find bliss and a contentment I've never known.  I seek His pride, His pleasure, and His satisfaction in becoming the best He's ever had.  I understand without question that there is no other way but forward following M into the dark.
~DominaKat