Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Own It

I've started this post about five times now.  Trying to be insightful.  Trying to be empathetic.  I finally settled for authenticity and a vent.  And before I go any further...No it's absolutely NOT about my Daddy.  In fact it has absolutely nothing really to do with me.  But I'm going to say it anyway.

If you can't say the actual words.  Don't say it.  I realize we are in an age of shorthand everything, but those are words you don't carelessly dumb down.  Ever.

Show respectful of your Dom
Show respectful of your relationship
And show respectful of your own feelings.

It's the difference between slop and a five course meal.  Which one are you going to offer a Man who nurtures and builds you up?  Be intentional.  Own it.  Don't half ass shit just to avoid the emotional discomfort of being out on the ledge.  A rich life doesn't happen in a safety zone.  If you're not ready and still need your safety zone?  Fine.  Then just shutthefuckup.

Be silent unless you're brave enough to be respectful and intentional.  No one says the relationship dynamic has to evolve quickly.  Slow the fuck down and make every step count.

Even the little things count, especially at the beginning of a relationship.  How you approach one another.  How well you listen, pay attention, and respond.  The words you choose.  You're looking to build your relationship's foundation here.  Decide.  Do you want a foundation built of sturdy, solid boulders slowly shifted into place?  Or or haphazardly poured watered-down cement because it's just easier and doesn't require as much work?  Which base will stand the test time?  Which will hold up against the storms of life?

Augh.  Why is it that this even has to be explained?
~DominaKat

Quote of the Day

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
 ~Neale Donald Walsch

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

M's Bitch

When M wakes me up with a "Good morning cunt" and his hand wrapped around my throat, I know His Beast is hungry.  My sole purpose is to feed Him.  Anything and every thing He desires.  Without hesitation His property responded to His demand for pleasure.

Within minutes I was leashed and on all fours with my knees spread like a dog, barely awake and in a haze of need.  Before I'd even been truly touched, M ordered me to cum.  His obedient bitch came instantly in a spray of hot cunt juice that left me panting.  Instinctually I bared down on the bunched towel and rutted against it like a mutt in heat finishing the orgasm against the friction of wadded soaked cloth.  M's dark laugh filled my head.  Shortly after...he filled my ass.

~sigh~ At times...I really am nothing more than M's animal to victimize, and I fucking love waking up in the morning to feed His hungry beast.  ;-P
~DominaKat

Babygirl's Limitations

I'm learning many, many beautiful facets of babygirl.  However she does have her limitations and thankfully she is not the sum or whole of me.  While my inner little girl may sometimes have the center stage at times, she is NEVER responsible for making important decisions.  Good god...what a hot mess THAT would be.  When suddenly caught in less than steady circumstances, she can be impulsive, skittish, fragile, and rarely logical.  None of which are good emotional places to make choices.

I'm not big into the "Littles" mentality at ALL.  I don't fucking color or bounce up and down for cartoons, Hello Kitty, or My Lil Pony.  ~eye roll~  I don't have toys I sit on the floor to play with, and diapers are not sexy.  ~ewww~  (Though I will play in puddles and swing, but anyway...lol) When it comes down to it, I'm still very much a grown ass woman with some sense.  When life doesn't go my way, I may hold a bit of little girl deep inside of me, but that doesn't mean I throw tantrums or pout like a child.  That silliness is just not productive and only adds difficulty to any type of situation.  Nope...my D/s relationship does not include the identity of a self-indulgent, 2 year old stomping her feet.

In my opinion, though I'm sure he'll agree with me, it is unacceptable for babygirl to cause Daddy unnecessary chaos or drama.  Yes, sometimes her sensitivity can create emotional moments.  However there is a huge difference between being open with Daddy about the softer and potentially frenzied emotions going on inside me and acting irresponsibly or even detrimentally on those emotions.  When babygirl gets in a tizzy, the rest of me calmly has to urge her to go take a little nap until either Daddy gets there or the rational sides of me can handle the situation. Unfortunately, I'm finding that the more babygirl has freedom the more difficult it is to silence her, so I'll have to be cognizant of that moving forward.

Ultimately, babygirl should simply be a joy for both Daddy and I.  Fun and playful.  Sweet and vulnerable.  Giggles and occasionally sweet tears for Daddy.  She is a treasure in our relationship to be protected and nurtured.  Any punishment she receives at Daddy's hands should really be about fun naughtiness and not about correcting bratty behavior.  ;-P
~DominaKat

And no...the reason for this post is NOT because I'm in trouble.  lol  It all started with two friends discussing our softer sides, and my realization that my little girl can NEVER make important decisions.  Thinking ahead is typically strongly recommended in my book.    

Monday, August 27, 2012

Getting to Know Babygirl

Ahhhhh...yes, my little girl is finally out of hiding and out playing.  Daddy found me and refuses to let me out of his sight.  He nurtures me, often knowing what I need before I do.  I never really knew her before M was in my life.  I knew she was there,,.but I kept her safely locked away, so she wouldn't get hurt.  Every day I learn more and more about her.  Today's epiphanies...

Babygirl is almost pure emotion, and her emotions tend to be extreme...Joy...fear... sadness...silliness... Yes, she can sit still for a while, but she lives in my very emotional heart.  Logic is not really something she can grasp.  lol  Trust me...the intellectual side of me at times tries to reason with her when things get a little scary, but she pretty much hears nothing I say.  She simply feels.  In those moments when she is afraid, reason has no ground.  Only Daddy's reassurance, love, compassion, comfort, and patience have any impact.  A+B=C is stupid and irrelevant in her world.

She is simple.  Simple to please.  Simple in needs.  Quite honestly...there is only Daddy in her eyes.   "That's my Daddy."  "Where's my Daddy?"  "I want my Daddy."  That's it.  Everything she is revolves around Him.  He is her unrestrained joy and reason to be.  He is her playmate, her guardian, her direction, the love of her life.  A word, a touch, a whisper can bring her to tears, calm her, or make her blush.  Only Daddy can make her giggle.  Only Daddy holds her heart.
~DominaKat

No Safety Nets

I've been intellectually perusing kink for decades, seriously and intently for the last two.  While my knowledge was helpful, it really didn't mean a damn thing when it came to the emotional side of my first D/s relationship...when I finally met and became involved with M.  We took things slow, but with every interaction it was blatantly apparent how compatible we were.  We continued to move forward in our journey together.  Yet, my "blank canvas" as well as my past has made my evolution less than graceful at times.  My God, the Man has been patient, understanding, and incredibly careful with me.  He's held my hand and lead me through it all - the easy stuff and the rough.

With M...FOR M...I've slowly left the security of my safety nets.  One by one they have been deliberately untied, cut, burned.  So many lessons I had to learn.  So many times I had to look inside myself and find the strength and courage to grow.  To be more than what I was.  My safety nets only held me back.  So instead...
I let myself see that I was valuable and important to Him, ignoring the cynicism and doubt my past had built around me.  In His eyes I am prized.  I am worthy of consideration and love.

I quit cushioning my primary role as a "submissive" and finally faced and embraced that I have always held the heart and soul of a slave.  As M's I've discovered the freedom, confort, and sheer bliss of being owned and cherished.

I stopped defensively holding myself back, leashing my emotions, my heart, my soul.  I gave up worrying about what he might think and trusted that even if he didn't agree or approve He would still love me and that we would find a way.

I no longer cling to fear though I am still scared to fucking death when I consider how easily and deeply I could hurt.  I choose to love Him bravely.  When fear threatens, I draw courage from His hand holding tightly onto mine.

I am considering tomorrows.  My past is no longer what defines me entirely.   Today is no longer my only reality.  I look ahead, and I let myself wonder...

I have stripped myself bare and exposed my weakness.  Both privately with M and in my writing, I spill my raw, uncensored, and yes even sappy love at His feet.  I refuse to be ashamed of my vulnerability.  In turn, my love has more room to expand.  It's simply grows more powerful.
In order to fully be here on this journey with M,  I had to trust Him.  I had to trust myself.  I had to believe in Us.  Those were and continue to be my choices.  Together we are bravely and confidently exploring all that is and all that could be without safety nets or back up plans.  The experience is exhilarating and breathtaking because of it.
~DominaKat

Honesty is Mandatory


While I respect the privacy and boundaries of others, full disclosure of who we play with and the relationship framework you have with them is mandatory - no exceptions.  How you choose to handle others is your decision, but I have a zero tolerance policy.  If you break that trust...you are gone. I'm not interested in lies, games, carelessness, or drama. If you can't be an adult, be honest, and be respectful of me...stick to other shallow cowards like yourself who lie and steal from those around them. You'll get what you deserve.

Whether we play for a moment, a month, or years, I don't fuck around on my lovers, my friends, or my pets. I will tell you who I am involved with, when I play, and the framework we play under.  As with almost every relationship - whether casual, friends, or serious - there may come a time when the choices we make are no longer compatible with either your expectations or mine. However with open, honest communication we should be able to maintain the warm feelings that brought us together in the first place as we go our separate ways in our journey.

Really, this shouldn't be that difficult, folks.  Don't be a child.  Be an adult.
~DominaKat

My Advice to Male Subs Seeking

~sigh~  This shouldn't be necessary, but apparently it is.  Nearly every initial email I get from a male sub is ridiculous.  This isn't even about whether or not they have read my profile and taken note that I'm not looking for a sub at this time.  No...this is basic manners.  For whatever reason, male subs seem to miss what female subs actually easily comprehend and respect at least in regards to Me.  Now, onto the lesson...

I am NOT your Domme!  Do not snivel and beg and plead in an initial email.  I haven't agreed to listen to your inane pathetic whining.  I haven't sought out your humiliation.  Do not try to force your silly version of submission on Me.  It's rude, nauseating, and gets an instant "Ewwww...gross."  As a Domme, I would be the One to tell a sub when it is time to drool and whine and plead and exactly how to please Me.  NONE of that is not for you to decide.

Whimpering and begging to serve Me in initial emails is NOT respect.  In fact, I believe it is the utmost in disrespect.  It shows in stark clarity that you don't really care WHO dominates you just someone/anyone will do.  If you think that is a compliment then you are not only desperate but also stupid.  Neither of which are appealing characteristics to Me in a play partner.

Think about it...I am a complete stranger!  You have no idea if our personalities and interests even line up, let alone kinks.  ~eye roll~

If a you litter Fet and every other online community with your submission it truly is of NO VALUE.  I don't want - nor have I EVER wanted - what anyone else can have.  It is a complete turn off as a friend, as a lover, as a play partner.

Maybe professional or dedicated Dommes like or expect this kind of crap.  I am neither.  Maybe at some point your emails score you some type of temporary fun.  But really...how many Dommes, Switches, or Women do you insult and offend in your obnoxious introduction?  Is that really what you hope to achieve?   You're no better than a bum on the street begging for change.  Is that really the impression you want to leave?

Please also note that porn is NOT reality.  Few play partners spend every second in extreme play.  Seriously...at some point folks like to come up for air, and most want to be able to have conversations with the people they play with.  If I sought a sub, I'd actually want him/her to be someone I LIKED and even respected regardless of how and when I choose to dominate/humiliate/hurt them.  I don't surround myself with  idiots.  It's tedious and annoying.  I'd want a sub that made Me feel good to be around not disgusted.

My advice...Try acting like a sane, reasonably intelligent, self-respecting adult initially.  Is that really so hard to comprehend?  In my two years on Fet I have only come across one male sub I actually respect.  Why?  Because he is intelligent, selective, self respecting, respectful, and appreciative.  THAT type of sub is something attractive and of value.  The patheticness that I routinely get in my email is the kind that needs a mop and a garbage can.  Yuck!
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Realizations & Tells

Realization:  M brings all of me together.  My life of separate shoeboxes is fading.  Instead I've taken the initial steps to merge my threads and create a soft, beautiful blanket to wrap around my life and warm my heart.  The ones who love and respect me are more powerful together than they are apart.

Tell:  I giggle like a little girl tossed her favorite candy when Daddy calls.  He brings me sheer fucking joy.

Realization:  I suck at Scrabble.  I'm okay with this.  Once and a while I have a moment of genius, but that's it.  lol

Tell:  Daddy's love can easily move me to tears.  My love for him can leave me unable to breathe.

Realization:  I'm struggling to be strong and maintain my submission at the same time.  When I hurt, I push away the pain to survive.  In submission I let the pain burn and surrender to helplessness.  How do I do both?

Tell:  I'll wait.  No matter how long it takes.

Realization:  Hope and happiness go hand in hand.

Tell:  Daddy's disappointment wounds me.  His pride makes me strong.

Realization:  External bullshit that aggravates my Warrior interferes in my focus.

Tell:  I apologize automatically when I don't feel like I'm enough.

Realization:  Even though I don't know the exact destination, if I keep asking M for directions I'll stay with Him and find the way.

That's it for this weekend.  Still absorbing it all.
~DominaKat

Quote of the Day

"I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve."
~ Albert Schweitzer

Daddy Please...

I've held back when I shouldn't have.  No excuses.  No fucking explanations.  I'll figure that all out later.  For now...just honesty.  Admit the truth.  Show my weakness and find strength in my submission.

Daddy.
I need.
Him.
It's been too long.

I can barely breathe without Him.
It hurts to even Be without Him.

I want to...
Scream.
Cry.
Beg.

I don't want practical.
I don't want to be mature.

I need my Daddy.

I need to hold His hand tight.
I need to crawl in His lap and close my eyes.
I need to cling to Him in desperation.
I need to sob in His arms as He takes.

I can't wait.
I can no longer be strong.

I'm a wreck.
I'm vulnerable.
I'm chaos.
I'm a child.

So afraid of being weak.
Yet suffocating on my pain.

I need my Daddy.

He'll make it better.
He'll make it right.
He'll make the hurt stop.
He'll set me free.

My pain chokes me.
My tears suffocate me.

I need to see His smile.
I need to nuzzle into His palm.
I need to curl at His feet.
I need to sleep in His embrace.

Daddy...please...
Help me Daddy...

I need to serve Him.
I need to please Him.
I need to feel His Beast.
I need to be wrapped in Him.

To give Him everything I am.
To surrender completely to Him.

I need my Daddy.

To be His babygirl.
To be His soft spot.
To be His hope.
To be His inspiration.

I am weak.
I am lost.

I need to comfort Him.
I need to laugh with Him.
I need to bask in His heat and strength.
I need to burn in our passion.

I can't ignore my misery.
I can't push away my sadness.

He is my air.
He is my sanity.
He is my anchor.
He is my compass.

My ache and longing cripple me.
My love for Him overwhelming.

I need my Daddy.

Oh please...Daddy...
It hurts so much right now...

I need my Daddy.

Just my Daddy.

Daddy...

Please...

~DominaKat

Friday, August 24, 2012

For Daddy's Eyes Only

It all started with a conversation about a nap... lol

Last night, I ended up having a little photo shoot with Daddy.  Daddy picked the attire.  White lace thong.  White skin tight "wife beater" tank.  Breasts bulging.  Curves everywhere they are suppose to be.  Crisp white against golden warm skin.  See through fabrics teasing and taunting.  My best set of pics yet.  They were fucking HOT as hell!

As Daddy reviewed the images, his decision was immediate and absolute.  "None of those are to be posted. They all belong to ME! I will allow others to gawk, but there are times when you and everything about you is strictly mine.  That happens to be most of the time.  You are my sexy babygirl, and this time I'm not sharing."

Yes, Sir.

~sigh~  I fucking love when Daddy is greedy with me.  It makes me feel sexy, desirable, and utterly loved.  It makes me feel secure and protected.  Not that I EVER forget, but Daddy's greed is a sweet reminder...I am owned.  I am His.  I serve His pleasure ONLY.  He plans on keeping His pet a long, long time.  ;-)
~DominaKat

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Alpha Bitch

I am at my most content and peaceful as M's sub, slave, pet.  I breathe there as I never have.  I feel cushioned,  cherished, protected, nurtured, loved.  With Him the dominant Warrior inside me, who takes charge when I walk out the door and who has long held guard at my internal gate, lays down her weapons and sheds her armor to finally rest her weary soul.  The softer sides of me emerge for M.  They play and whimper and bask in His light and darkness.

Yet I disappointed and frustrated M today.  He made a simple request.  My emotional response to carrying that out was violent and sheer hostility.  No, not at all toward him.  There wasn't even really a target for my aggression.  It was toward the act.  It was what the act FELT like in MY head.  It FELT like I was submitting, however mildly, to another woman.  The sleepy Warrior inside me had instinctively grabbed a knife and wanted to spill pools of blood in warning, defense, agression.  Every PART of me screamed HELL FUCK NO.

~sigh~

I am an alpha sub.  Outside of M's arms, I am strong and fearless and even a bitch when necessary.  I am a lioness.  Not a simpering, trusting lil lamb who lays in wait to be slaughtered by any fool who happens to walk by me,  I bow to VERY few people in this world, and when I do, it is out of love and respect and trust.  Anyone else can kick fucking rocks.

I'm heteroflexible, but one of my hard limits is submission to another woman.  It is not in my make up to submit to another woman nor allow her to top me.  I can play with other women neutrally or her as my sub, but bowing to another female is not something I am capable of giving. To me it as offensive as asking a Dom to submit to another Dom.  Just not happening, and most Doms would look at you as if you've lost your mind.

However, in a personal setting (iow...not sexual or professional) if I even internally feel (it may not quite be reality) as if my interaction with another woman is in any way is being pushed to toward submissive or that she is trying to top me, my internal Alpha Bitch/Warrior jerks awake and goes instantly into red alert mode and gets agressive.  This rarely happens as I'm very easy going, but when it does it is vicious.

Don't get me wrong.  I can respect other women, learn from other women, and be friends with other alpha females.  However I will not lick a bitch's shoes nor play silly games.  If I even feel like I am following in another woman's footsteps, my internal response screams "GO THE OTHER WAY!!!"  The ONLY exceptions to this natural order for me are cherished mothers.

Have I swallowed my pride before?  Yes, I have.  Even recently.  But it was CRITICAL that I kept myself docile in order to achieve long term gains.  Not for myself, but for a friend I loved.  At the time in my head my submission - dropping my weapons - was to honor my friend, not her.  Mission accomplished.

However, last year I pushed my instincts away to my extreme detriment.  For an asshole I was involved with at the time, I tried to walk a path I suspected I shared with another woman .  I ignored my gut.  I sacrificed my pride.  What resulted was ugly and costly.  When I expressed my concerns and feelings, I was told repetitively I was essentially crazy.  I was told I was imagining things.  For months and months this went on.  I had no clear proof.  Simply an unrelenting feeling of being pushed to submit to another woman's wants and needs.  His denials in the face of my logic tore at me and shredded my sanity.  When finally she was blatant in her silly effort to top me and in her disrespect of my place and my relationship, I let go of the reins on my Warrior and initiated a tempered (somehow I restrained myself) retaliatory strike that left little question as to who I would NOT be submitting to.  No one.

I know that my past and old demons contributed heavily today in turning my genetic resistance into near violent agression.  I've rarely come first in a man's life.  Why?  I never understood, except that I was stronger and could handle it.  I've rarely met a man that didn't WANT and SEEK another woman.  I've rarely met a woman that didn't want who I was involved with.  I've lost friendships because they were oh-so-willing and eager in their quest to spread their thighs with him behind my back.  ~sigh~  And looking like a fucking fool is NEVER something I tolerate.  The fool from last year can attest to the wounds I inflict when that game is played.

But...what does all THAT hot mess have to do with today's small request really?

Intellectually, I could see how M viewed the requested act.  He wanted me to be a part of a little something he inspired.  From afar I could both appreciate and respect it, but when he asked me to join...the closer I got the more tension and sheer agression that coiled inside me ready to hiss and bite.  Needless to say, He wasn't at all pleased with my failure to embrace His request.  We'd brushed up against this issue once before, and it wasn't pretty then either.  However, I don't think I've ever completely NOT met His expectations.  Today I did.

I'm not proud.  But I was honest.  I was straightforward.  I didn't transfer any of my internal hostility to the one I love.  I simply tried to communicate.  In return I accepted M's disappointment, frustration, and annoyance.  There was no justification for my actions, and He had every right to feel the way He did/does.  There's nothing He can do here to temper my aggressive reactions.  These are my issues.  "You've never said something made you violent before.  What the fuck?"  He was right.  He's never seen my Warrior really.

I do my absolute best to avoid ANY potential for drama.  My initial response is to keep my distance from anything I think could spark a serious negative reaction in me.  Today, I think what I felt was a preemptive response to the concept of bowing to another woman or even her possible indirectly topping M's sub.  It's not personal.  It may not even necessarily be logical.  ~sigh~  But with everything I am, I do not want to go back to that cold place that exists in me when I find myself under attack and that preemptive agression I think is meant to keep me off roads that have the potential to lead there.

~sigh~  Usually when I write I can find answers.  Not tonight.  I haven't at all found any solution in resolving my reflexes as they relate to my submission to M when another woman is somehow involved.  But at least I put a few pieces together and I understand what and why it's happening.  Maybe with that knowledge I can fix it or at the very least begin to tone it down.  I don't know.  The one thing I keep asking myself is...do you learn lessons only to have to unlearn them?  ~sigh~  And doesn't that simply leave me defenseless and naive?  Again...I just don't know.  :-(
~DominaKat

Monday, August 20, 2012

Quote of the Day

M and I were discussing politics and the republican governors recent "We're not gonna do it.  You can't make me." stances on the Dream Act.  Daddy was talking about how they are trying so desperately to hold on to what they have.  The rest...

Me:  It's like in Star Wars, "The more you tighten your grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."
M:  Exactly.  <pause> Though I have to say that you just quoting Princess Leia gave me a boner.

Hehehehe...I so love when Daddy is silly.  ~kiss~
~DominaKat

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Another Ex-

It's 8:30 PM.  A quiet night after a rough afternoon/evening.  A day of ex-ness that I'm wrapping up with a bottle of red from my ex-lover.  It's surprisingly half decent.  Not fabulous or something I'd buy, but in a pinch (which this is)...drinkable.  Huh...kinda like him.

Parted ways with a piece of my soul this evening.  Necessity won, and so I cried.  17 years and a ton of memories.  My sanity when all else was falling apart around my ears.  For a moment, I'd fly.  For a moment, I would lose myself in memories and dreams.  A reminder of my youth, a reminder of my long ago ex, a reminder of when I had a heart, a reminder of how to feel.  That piece of sanity and hope was the only thing my ex-husband ever gave me that I valued.  At times it was one of the few things that kept me breathing.  It was my longest relationship with anything.  And it's now no longer mine.   Another "ex" to add to the list of what use to be.

That list is feeling very, very long and wearing this evening.  Ex-lovers, ex-dreams, ex-plans, ex-mine, ex-, ex-, ex-.  Maybe the only thing I truly know how to do well is let go.  I could make a case for that.  Then again, it's a pretty short fucking list of what I have had that was really worth hanging onto.  But that's not something to brag about really either.  A bit embarrassing actually.

~sigh~  Time for another glass and to sit on the back porch and listen to crickets because this isn't getting me any damn where.
~DominaKat

When You Love

When you love someone, their best interest is the priority.
When you love someone, their pain outweighs yours.

The formula isn't difficult.
It's simple.

You put the ones you love before you.
Before your wants, needs, desires, wishes.

Love is fucking rare.
Love is a challenge.

Only those who don't have the capacity to love believe it's easy to find.
Because they can't recognize what it really means to love.

Only careless fools believe it's easy to practice.
Because they are incapable of putting forth the effort.

It doesn't matter what making those you love first might cost you.
When you love each other, they and your love are worth it.

Your pride is irrelevant.
Your ego disappears.

When you love...

You heal.
You bleed.
You laugh.
You cry.
You surrender.
You win.
You dance.
You fall.

You give what it takes.
Because the ones you love come first.
~DominaKat

Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Art of Begging

Apparently, my silly ass was unaware that there is an art to begging.  I ran across another of SirRender's always educational posts today.  Ironically, I had just begged myself hoarse for M last night in a desperate tumble of pleads and tears as he already had me frantic with need.  The original post and comments made me reflect.

I've never begged. My natural mentality even as a child was to simply accepted what was freely given.  I didn't whine.  I didn't nag.  What was was.  What wasn't wasn't.  I was a child of the 80's recession, and growing up my parents were solidly good hard-working middle class folks.  I was raised on Kool-Aide not pop (soda for you non-Ohians.)  At times we made due with what we had while feeling blessed with those we loved.  Those were the kind of lessons of my youth.

As I grew to an adult, my mentality never shifted.  I rarely ask for anything.  It fact, it is extraordinarily difficult for me to accept gifts.  (Important note:  give, given, gifts in my case RARELY mean materialistic shit.  I'm not that type of girl.)  My thought is that what those around me freely give (respect, kindness, affection, etc.) reflects on who they are and what I am to them.  More than words spoken, it often tells me what I need to know about a person and their intent.

I may...if it is important...ask for it.  But I won't beg, nag, or plead.  I don't manipulate.  I don't pout.  I've never been a spoiled child.  If I ask for something and receive it, I'm very appreciative, and I don't forget or take it for granted.  If my request wasn't granted or not exactly what I'd hoped for, either it couldn't happen, the giver couldn't be bothered, or the giver didn't feel I deserved it.  The first I understand.  The latter two, I...see and remember.

My big point in all this?  I don't have ANY practice in begging.  And now that I'm with M, begging is demanded at times.  I don't believe I'm graceful at it by any means, especially after reading the examples SirRender posted.  When M makes me beg during our play, it's almost as if He's opening a door to freedom for me.  My hidden desperation and need run wild and untamed without apology. I no longer am held back afraid that I'm too needy or asking too much.  My begging is frantic and unrefined.  Raw.  Genuine.  And littered with emotions.

My response is not simply to being order to beg.  Not at all.  It's M.  He's the only Man who has ever ripped me wide open and devoured all the passion I have to give.  He never says it's too much.  He always looks at me and demands more.  He wrings me out emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Begging is simply a tool He uses to achieve His desired results...me at His mercy.  ~whimper~

However, I thought it might me good for me to practice the Protocol of Begging at least in my head for now.  Those six steps may be difficult to remember while in desperate submission and need if M ever demanded such a thing from me.

Prostration:  On my knees.  Legs tuck under me.  Ass up.  Bent over with my breasts pressed to the ground.  My lips and face pressed to His feet.  My arms curled around His heels in need.

Salutation:  <A reverent whisper with tears streaming down my face.>M, you are so good to me Sir.  I am luckiest slave to have you Own my mind, body, and soul.  You guide me as no other and lead me where I belong.  You are my Alpha and Omega.  My destiny.  Without you I am lost.

Supplication:  Your devoted pet...your pathetic whore...humbly requests the cherished honor to please you by licking and sucking your beautiful black cock for hours.  Your slut promises to choke and gag myself as it takes every inch of you down its throat and will willingly vomit if you so desire.  Sir, please...may your obedient property serve my King?

Justification:  I only seek to serve and please you as you desire.  To relax you and take away the day's stress.  To use your slave in such a way often brings you great joy and utter satisfaction.

Benediction:  Thank you My King for even considering granting my wish to serve you.  Sir, I beg that you would allow me to pleasure you so.

Recession:  Still in the same position I was never moving...absolute submission.  Yet I kiss His feet and wait patiently for M's decision.

Hmmmm...I'm open to helpful pointers on how I might improve if anyone has any suggestions.

However, it doesn't feel right to me.  Nor, most importantly, to M.  We dance naturally well together.  We don't count.  We don't follow pre-formatted steps.  We are a perfect match that instinctually flow and blend together.  It's always an intense fiery inferno between us, controlled by M's dominance and desires.  He prefers me raging and primal.  He sets me free to run hard and long with Him guiding our every step.  We are elemental.  Beasts countering each others moves and adapting to the mystery of what might be next...what he might demand, how I might respond.  That's half the challenge and the fun for us.  Anything more formal seems to have the potential to take away from the power and passion that is us.

But it did give me quite a few things to consider.  ;-)
~DominaKat

One

I begged.
Pleaded.
Cried.

For his touch.
Him.
A taste of our darkness.

He was all I needed.
Everything I wanted.

He is.

My light.
My dark.

My hope.
My destruction.

I am.

His babygirl.
His whore.

His redemption.
His sin.

I groaned.
Sobbed.
Came.

Again and again.
Until I was wrung dry.
The bed drenched.

I clung to Him.
He surrounded me.

Intertwined.

Body.
Mind.
Soul.

Fit together.
So sweetly.
Complete.

One.
~DominaKat

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Kat 101 - An Update

I've always believed that when two people truly love and believe in one another each becomes more.   Together they are greater than they ever can be apart.  M has uncovered so many buried pieces of me that an update was in order.  In his light, the various pieces of me flourish and grow strong.  Within his darkness, they submit and find utter freedom.  With M...I've found a safe place of harmony, hope, love and direction.  I count every day I'm His as a blessing and a gift.

I'm a naughty, perverted Friend, if you are loyal and real.
I'm an insatiable Lover, if you can pique my interest and keep up.
I'm a rebellious, difficult Bitch, if you can match me.

I'm a dirty Slut, if you deserve my hedonistic desires.
I'm Alpha Bitch of a X-some, if you can remember your priorities.
I'm a Girlfriend, if you can be patient and see who I am.

I'm sweet, wicked Domina, if you behave and ask nicely.
I'm an selfless Submissive, if you can momentarily tame me and inspire that gift.
I'm a greedy Fucktoy, if you can remember I'm a woman to value.

I'm a perfect Unicorn, if you both are easy-going and enjoyable.
I'm an ever-hungry Masochist, if you have a Dark Beast that can play with my pain and fuck my mind.
I'm a vicious Warrior, if you are worthy of my respect and fierce loyalty.

I'm a obedient Pet, if you understand what it takes to own and nurture me.
I'm a committed, monogamous Partner, if you are careful, considerate, and love true.
I'm a willing, devoted Slave, if you can handle the responsibility and possess the strength of character to claim me.

I'm a soft, sweet Little Girl, if you can earn the wealth of trust needed to be My Daddy.
I'm a nasty, fucking Whore, if you are the right man.
I'm simply Yours, if you can win my heart.

But I'm Nothing to you, if you can't be honest and straightforward.
~DominaKat

Friday, August 10, 2012

Quote of the Day

Some words are just too delicious not to share.
Me:  Can I curl up at your feet, Daddy?
M:   In my lap. I want those holes close, so I can play in them.
I whimpered and almost fell over in a babbling, orgasmic rush.  Damn, I love that Man!
~DominaKat

Evolution

Sleep is still far away.  Evolution after all can be a bit rough.

Six and a half months ago, I was a blank canvas.  I'd never had a D/s relationship.  While I'd had brief moments where I'd let a guy be the physical aggressor and dominate sexual play, I'd never had a Dom.  I'd never been a submissive.

I've come a long way in my journey with M.  It's been an incredibly beautiful journey filled with awe and peace and some minor stumbles.  I've learned more than I imagined about submission and myself.  I thought I was doing well.  I know I was trying.  But tonight I faced a choice that I had avoided addressing for a while.

It's NOT that I thought I couldn't be better at my submission to M.  No...I know and accept that I still have a long way to go in that realm.  I've made up a lot of ground the last few months given the complete blank canvas that I was.  I knew going in that I would never be the same, but I didn't understand my transformation would be so dramatic.  M knew though.  He always knows.  lol

Throughout my evolution, I've felt different pieces of me rise to the front and fall to the back as my submission has grown, as my love for M has grown.  My Warrior has laid down her sword and shed her armor having finally found peace and a quiet spot to rest.  The soft woman and the little girl have found a safe, beautiful place to exist.  Those changes have all spilled into the rest of my life.  I'm calmer, more at peace and at ease.  Even Maximus has commented about how much better I am.  lol  M steadies me, centers me.  I no longer feel adrift.  Together, M and I have found joy and passion and hope.

Rearranging my pieces is sometimes painful though.  Tonight, I was hurt that a part of me I took pride in and felt was valuable held little appeal to M.  He told me  in no uncertain terms to leash that side of me when it came to us.  It wasn't a request.  It was a decision he wanted me to accept, so I could better follow his lead.  It stung deeply.

While we both briefly went to our separate corners, so to speak, I tried to find words that would changes his mind.  I wanted him to SEE.  I wanted him to KNOW.  I was so frustrated.  I can't say that there wasn't any other way, but I quickly realized taking a different way in handling this issue would be painful and costly.  As I fought my internal need to push back, I turned to my voice of reason, my best friend.  I was honest.  I gave both my good realizations and my messy emotions.  He calmly listened and broke it down in the most basic way possible.  "He's a good man,"  With that and a deep breath, I let go of all my tension and frustration.  I can't even remember the rest of what he said, with those four words I knew what I had to do.

With the haze of my emotions and initial rebellion cleared away.  My most basic truth blazed bright and hot in front of me.  My love and submission is about putting M first, giving him what he wants and needs.  It's not about forcing what I believe he needs down his throat.  (Even if I do think he needs more fruits and vegetables.)

I can't make him see the value others have always seen in me.  Just as I can't force others to see the value and beauty in the pieces they always ignored but that M holds so dear.  Within my commitment to M, I have lowered my guard, so he could nurture forgotten and buried pieces of my soul.  They've flourish under his watchful eye, deliberate touch, and fierce protection.  In turn, I also have to also trust him and myself to let some parts of me rest quietly in the background.

And the fact is...he's right.  This piece holds me back from my submission and at times undermines the dynamic of our relationship.  I wasn't intentionally trying to do either.  It was simply the results of my wasted efforts.

Submission isn't about my pride.  It's in my willingness to give to M and do everything I can to support our dynamic.  So for him...because I love him...I will do everything I can to leash that side of me between us.  Because that's what he wants.  Because he doesn't feel it has a place.  Because other pieces of me are more important in my submission.  Because He is absolutely worth the discomfort of rearranging the pieces of me.

I have evolved over the last six months.  Tonight, I am evolving more, painfully growing and learning even as my vision sharpens.  I will continue to evolve with every step in this journey and follow M's lead.

My hand is in His.
~DominaKat

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My Prayer


Beast...come to me...

Awaken.
Bound in your chains.
Let me sate your forbidden hunger.

Your mate.
I call.

Wild.
Ravenous.
Fearless.
Uncontrolled.

Beast...help me...

I wither with need.
In heat for your dark sins.
Panting for the touch and taste of you.

Your mate.
I am here.

Lost.
Frantic.
Helpless.
Starved.

Beast...take me...

Claw at heaving breasts.
Pound between spread thighs
Inflict pain on this soft, aching flesh.

Your mate.
For you I...

Tremble.
Scream.
Surrender.
Cry.

Beast...destroy me...

Release your savage.
Gorge on your willing victim.
My tortured soul is your endless meal.

Your mate.
I am yours.

Devour.
Ravish.
Violate.
Rape.

Beast...save me...

You are my destiny.
Simply my everything.
I shall release you from your buried prison.

Your mate.
I am home.

Feed.
Command.
Claim.
Own.

~DominaKat

Someday Shots: His Slave

I've been approached by multiple photographers over the years for a potential shoot.  This is something that is absolutely on my to do list.  I'm simply waiting for the right time...whenever that may be.  lol  However, I know that I am much closer to this then I ever have been before.

So with that in mind, I've decided to incorporate into my blog "Someday Shots."  I always have ideas for photos I would love to see come life, either with myself, myself and M, or others.  Once upon a time I was a photographer as well as dabbled in a brief stint of modeling.  It seems neither urge has left my soul.

My first Someday Shot post...His Slave

This is a pic from my first long weekend with M.  It was quickly apparent to both of us just how well suited we were for one another.  Before we said our goodbyes, my destiny to be His slave was already well on its way.

This is my absolute favorite picture of me.  It's simplicity and form flatter me until I'm unrecognizable to myself.  After M took this shot, I checked it out and my jaw dropped. I had NO idea my ass looked like that!!!!  A few days later when I saw my best friend (a man), I was almost annoyed when I asked him, "Why the hell didn't you tell me my ass looked like THAT?!?" LOL  However, I would love this same pose incorporated into a series of starker settings, black and whites likely.

One set more pristine.  Tile floor.  Possibly a CMNF thing, with M in the background unfocused and only from the waist down.  Oh and he'd definitely have his crop.  ~whimper~

Another set more earthy...outside maybe...dirt on my skin, sweat...His broken slave.

Feel free to toss some more ideas my way.  I'd love to hear.  Someday...
~DominaKat

Sweet Rain

Submit.
Surrender.
As never before.
As nature intended.
To obey His desires.
To kneel for His pleasure.
I was afraid.
I was empowered.
Hot.
Erotic.
That sweet rain.
It poured over my skin.
Coating heavy breasts.
Running slick down creamy thighs.
I was beautiful.
I was dirty.
Intimate.
Primal.
Sanity lost in the torrent.
The scent enveloping me.
My mouth open to taste.
Drops fell from my lips.
I was the prized possession.
I was unworthy of consideration.
Darkness.
Madness.
Shame slid away.
Pleasure flooded my soul.
Pride that I was chosen.
Hunger for more.
I was precious.
I was beneath notice.
Claimed.
Owned.
Washed pure.
No other's scent or touch.
Total acceptance of my fate.
Baptized in sweet rain.
I was a princess.
I was a filthy fuckwhore.
I was His.

Monday, August 6, 2012

What I Would Say...

M answered a forum post the other day essentially asking, "What your lover/pet/mate would say about you."  His answer of "Amazing" just didn't seem to do him enough justice.  Yes...M is definitely amazing, and I say that often.  However, he is much, much more than one little word.  In my option, M is a mass of intricately tangled contrasts that stun me daily in their beauty and perfect blend.

    The brightest light, so sweet and considerate and patient with those he loves.  He'd do anything he could for those lucky enough to gain entrance to his inner circle.  He loves deeply.  He loves purely.  There isn't a kind of or a maybe in his world.  "Mine" isn't simply a possession to Him.  It's a responsibility and a gift.
    The darkest night, the most wicked and sinfully erotic Man who's ever touched my heart, body, and mind.  He captures and devours me whole.  He pushes me to open doors, I'd never considered.  With him leading me, I explore the dark, most decadent parts of my soul.

    He's determined and focused to move forward no matter the odds.  He doesn't settle for an easy road, choosing instead to set his standards high for himself and those around him.
    Yet, he's incredibly easy to be with.  Laid back, casual, down to earth, and practical...he's not hung up on dumb shit or foolishness, but I suppose that's because he's comfortable and confident in himself.  A rare quality today.

    However, he is a bit ornery and stubborn.  Yes, Daddy...you are.  lol  ~kiss~  He has firm opinions about many things, likes what he likes, and that's that.  No sushi.  No REM.  No...hmmmmm, I should probably skip the list.  ;-)  Needless to say there's a few topics I have to be extremely patient about discussing.  ~sigh~
    M can also be this kid that lights up like a Christmas tree when something hits him just right.  The first time I saw that look it was for me.  I was breathless and incredibly shy in that moment, humbled that I had pleased him so.  Yet, I will do anything I can to inspire that look again and again and again.

    My M is a cruel, vicious Sadist.  His Beast demands obedience, dark sweet pain, and humiliation for his pleasure and my freedom to fly on his wind.  He soars me to incredible heights and brings me exhausted and sated back to the safety of his arms.
    My Daddy cherishes and nurtures me with tender care.  His gentle affection in one day is more than some lovers have ever shown me.  He calms me like no other ever has.  His touch is always sure and steady.  Never tentative.  Never careless. 

     Fuck...he's one of the most creative people I've ever known.  Talented, immaginative, witty, and...no he's not paying me for this write up!  lol
    But you can skip the left brain/right brain stuff.  He analyzes things worse than me.  M can see clearly past the bullshit to the heart of the matter and know just what to say or do, especially with me.

     He's calm and ruthlessly controlled.  He masters himself first, a trait few adults ever even consider.  His intelligent mind leads both his emotions and his physical response.  Only at His choice does he free himself from his own restraint.
    He's explosively passionate - emotionally, mentally, and physically - moving me at times to sweet healing tears, non-stop laughter, overwhelming love, deep submission, and pleasure the likes of which I've never dreamed.

     No this list isn't complete, and no...my Daddy is not perfect.  Thank God.  I couldn't cope with perfect.
     But M IS my fairy tale warrior come to life.  A perfect blend of light and dark that brings out the best I have to give.
~DominaKat

His Truth

"You are MINE."

My breath catches.
On the sweet stunning clarity.
Tears fall.
As his passion overwhelms me.

"Those three words say everything."

They say...
I'm loved for me.
I'm valued and cherished.

They say...
I'm claimed without hesitation.
I'm safe and protected.

 "They are the truth."

No shades of grey.
No maybes.
No what if's.

No some day.
No if only's.
Absolute.

 "I am NOT letting you fucking go."

I find peace.
I take shelter.
I discover hope.
I finally know love.

With Him.
In Him
For Him.
As His.

"Do you understand?"

Yes, Daddy.
Yes.

I finally understand.
~DominaKat

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Make What?

The last time I made love to a Man was the Fall of 1991.  Twenty-one years.  A long fucking time ago.  Then I was young with few scars and my heart so wide open I would have bled myself dry for him.  At times I did.  But that was then.  And I'm no longer that young woman who dreams silly dreams.

Of course pieces of me remain.  I've amputated other sections of me that needed to be shed.  However several new doors have also opened that I wholly embrace.  Maybe it's the alcohol flowing through my bloodstream or a few conversations I've had this week, but tonight I'm asking myself...wondering...if I'd even know how to make love.  If I could.  If I'd understand what to give...how to let go that much.  I'm truly not sure I would know what to do, how to be.

I've avoided anything approaching making love for more than two decades.  A quick side step here.  A wicked dirty phrase to change the tone.  Yes, it's vanilla.  But it scares the hell out of me more than any fucking fetish imaginable in the land of kink.  Making love is pure raw emotions...an overflow of them driving a fragile physical response.  Nothing left hidden or buried.  It can't be forced by either party.  It can't be pretend.  It's not a scene.  There's no props or costumes or cameras.  It's two souls giving from the heart because no words are enough to express the love each holds for the other.

God...I've experienced more earth shattering emotions with M in BDSM play than I ever have, yet...

If I'm honest with myself, the BDSM tools and tactics...the pain, the mindfuck, the torment, the submission, all of it...rip down every one of my mental and emotional defenses, so that I can give M those passionate raw emotions he so richly deserve.  Without the intensity and demand of that kind of play, my emotions end up trapped behind the scars of my past or lost because my emotional roadmap to making love was misplaced long, long ago.

I don't know what all this says about me.  I'm not even sure how I feel about it really except just flat fucking sad.  I don't even know where or how this would fit in the context of my life today.  Making love is never even mentioned on the dark side.  It's almost as if it has no place.  And maybe that mirrors me at 40...it doesn't have a place because it's unnecessary.  Or is it?  ~shrug~
~DominaKat

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Lusts that RAGE

Fuck, I was trying to be good.  Trying so damn hard to stay in the light.  Trying to keep sweet and sane.  But instead He chose to rattle the fucking cage of MY dark vicious beast - not just a little, but damn near all day!  Tease.  Taunt.  Torment.  He pulled me off balance and continually keeps me guessing.  Yes, I know.  I am M's entertainment.  He is a delicious, cruel Fuck that drags me like a ragdoll from one extreme to another.  Now my dark, twisted desires RAGE for satisfaction and release!  It's all I can do to remain rational when the animal in me screams to play hard and nasty with her mate - His inner beast.  Fuck it.  Why keep a grip on sanity?  To the edge of madness I surrender...

I've been fucking OBEDIENT!  I've been fucking soft and helpless and pathetically sweet.  I'm NOT any of those things right now.  I don't fucking want to be.  He woke the side of me that I'd been trying to keep asleep and tranquil.  I crave hot, passionate violence.  I need groped, pushed, beat.  Submission?  lol  If that is expected, RIP it from my goddamn soul!   Force me to my fucking knees and MAKE me serve.  MAKE me be a perverted slut basking in wicked madness.  MAKE me pull up my fucking dress in a dark alley and open my holes for use.  MAKE me bend over and accept my place.  MAKE me grind this dirty cunt on those smooth black boots and beg to cum, panting like a dog.  Just fucking MAKE ME!!!

Nasty doesn't even BEGIN to describe what I crave with M at the moment.  I want to commit so many sick sins with Him hell wouldn't fucking have me.  Let me suck that dick clean after streams of hot juice run all over these owned lush curves.  Give it to me.  Yes....that.  And that.  And THAT!  Oh yes and that fucking fist too!  I'll ride anything and everything He puts between my warm creamy thighs.  Exposed full breasts with thick hard nipples.  Shown off dripping, greedy pussy.  A tight, puckered asshole on display.  To strangers.  Observers.  Voyeurs.  I don't give a fuck.  I am HIS.  I no longer care about my pride, my image, my voice of reason.  Just TAKE.  I'm a stupid whore, slut, pet, fucktoy, plaything.  I was meant to suck and fuck.  I was meant for His use and abuse.

Pain.  Dark, rich, sweet fucking pain.  Drown me in it.  Overwhelm me.  Don't fucking be nice.  Don't treat me like I'm a stupid fragile little flower.  Fuck you, you Bastard!  Play with the ONLY One that can truly sate your dark lust.  Dance with me in Our darkness.  Take pleasure from my pain.  Bend me.  Hurt me.  Violate and defile me.  Fucking break me.  I want it ALL.  His hands seduce as they pound flesh.   The lash of His flogger begins to sooth my hunger as it licks soft skin.  The fiery kiss of His crop as it punishes breasts, ass, thighs, and slit.  Yes...MORE!  Don't stop until I'm in tears and hoarse from begging for the pain to end.

Everything has been bottled up tight - caged.  Day after fucking day.  Now, I'm lost in an avalanche of violent lust.  I need found.  I need released to M's vicious leash where within His sinful fucking delights I will fly past the moon and stars.  I'm ravenous for the dance only he and I can share.  I want to cry, scream, RAGE in frustration.  Set me fucking FREE, so that I may sate His Beast as as I was meant to do.
~DominaKat