Just a Dip in the Sweet Dark Pool of Pain

It's been a long time since I've felt the delicious bite of pain lapping at my body.

At first, I splashed along the edge with abandon.  It was so very, very needed.  I was starved.  My response was absolute greed.  I closed my eyes and relished that first heady refreshing gift.  My orgasm was swift and short, but left an easy smile on my face.

He was simply teasing me.

That...that had only been foreplay.

Silly girl.

His next instructions were clear and precise.  My hands shook just slightly as I obediently followed his orders.  M caught me off guard.  I hadn't expected.  I hadn't mentally prepared.  It didn't matter.

He waited patiently.

But I can't lie.  I tried to ease myself into it.  It didn't work.  Even as I tried, I knew he'd purposely left me no way to avoid the inevitable.  Fuck...I'm outmatched a thousand times over.  Even while it makes me crazy, it thrills me to no end that M absolutely deserves my respect, my trust, my submission.  Finally I forced myself to wade further into the pool of pain than I was ready for, and I met his demands.  I was in up to my waist but still standing on my tiptoes and jumping with the waves.  My mind wasn't ready to go deeper.  I couldn't make myself take the next step.  Even as I avoided, I wondered if he'd catch me at it.

I'm a fucking fool.

He swiftly caught me.  No reprimand.  Not even a point blank comment.  Just a simple correction, a hand on my back, that left me no choice but to put me exactly where he wanted me.  Chest deep in that wicked pool.  It's sharp teeth bit heavily into me.  I whimpered, but didn't push back.  I obeyed M.  What M asks for, I will do my best to give.

M let me take a step back, but he didn't let me leave.  He made me stay. The waves of pain rolled over me, gnawed at my mind and body.  As I breathed through its fiery licks, my cunt pulsed.  It weeped.  I craved...more.  My legs spread helplessly.  My need blatant.  I begged M to be filled.

He gave me sweet mercy.  As my desperate pussy greedily sucked on each stroke and begged for more, the pain ate away at my mind.  The wicked licks shift to slow deep suction.  The hot burn evolved to an icy cold.  I didn't understand, and at that point I no longer fucking cared.  I finally stopped fighting and let the pain take me down. My body relaxed.  My mind floated free.  I begged to cum like the dirty nasty whore that sweet dark pool of pain had reduced me to.  I panted.  I groaned.  I waited.  On M's permission to let go.  The pain began to slowly spread through me expanding outward.  I was nearly undone.

"You can cum slut," set me free.  My hips pounded against the brutal stabbing drives into my greedy fuckhole.  I cried out as the scorching flood of my cum gushed and sprayed from my between my creamy thighs.  The violent stabs didn't slow.  Orgasm after orgasm crashed over me, forcing stream after stream of cum juice from deep inside me.  It drenched everything.  It's hot erotic drops splashing my breasts, my face.  I was senseless.  Tumbling through pleasure and pain until I somehow found the surface and frantically crawled to the shallow side of the pool.  Oh my god...was all I could think.  The intensity.  The force.  The endlessness.  I tried to catch my breath and find my balance.

But the pain wasn't over.  As my pleasure faded, the sweet darkness held its tight grip around me.  "Wait," was my command.  The slow spread had shifted through me to the center of my back.  I breathed deep.  I whimpered.  Still it crawled up my spine like a merciless bitch.  I didn't beg for reprieve...I embraced the challenge.  The pain was mine.  I smiled back at it and pulled it deeper.

Then M released me, and suddenly I was dragged down viciously through raging flames hidden below the surface of that dark deceptive pool.  The fire whipped at my foolishness and left me gasping and choking like a child.  I curled into a ball and came again helplessly as it threw me onto the shore.

When I could finally speak, I looked at M and said the only honest thing I could say, "Fuck you, you bastard.  You didn't warn me."  He simply laughed.  I laid my head back down in defeat.  He'd kicked my fucking ass almost effortlessly.

And that was just a short dip in the sweet, dark pool of pain.

I'm so very well fucked.  lol
~DominaKat

Lessons Learned

Below are a few things I've learned recently or that have become that much clearer or that are just on my mind today.  Pieces that reflect where I am in my journey that really should be noted.

*****

I'm really only getting started on this journey.  Yeah...the last year and a half was pretty much just my attempt at packing.  That's all.  Nothing more.  And M came in and turned my luggage upside down on the damn floor anyway.  He repacked only what he wanted and how he wanted it, so I'm not sure I did anything more than commit myself to trying to be ready when the chance came to leave.  Nope...I definitely wasn't ready.  Lucky for me M is a very patient man and loves a challenge.

*****

Sadistic bastards don't warn you of shit.  Since I really don't know shit...he's continually entertained and I'm always asking "What the fuck was THAT?!?"  Which reminds me...M and I had a conversation very early on that's come to my mind several times in the last two months.  He said to me in his second email, "Who knows where you and I will wind up, someplace this side of "Holy Shit", perhaps?"  I think we passed the "Holy Shit" line a while ago.  lol  Although I do see the bigger "HOLY SHIT" sign up ahead.  Hehehe  Who knows...maybe there's one with Vegas type lights up ahead somewhere too.

*****

It can all start with just a simple "good girl" and end with me a begging, stunned, cum-drenched mess, a soaking wet bed, and the sexiest man alive grinning at me.  I swear I heard him say "I know." in my head.  I never know where that Man will take me.  All I know is that I trust him completely, and I'll willingly follow his lead.

*****

I'm only starting to understand what true submission means.  I had a pretty good idea of my ideal definition, which I was pretty accurate about.  However, I dramatically underestimated the strength, power, beauty, and bone deep contentment it brings.  In no way can true submission be divided up into pieces.  There can't be physical submission without both the mental and emotional submission.  It's all or nothing, or it's really only a game of pretend. I'm giving this my all.  M deserves nothing less.

*****

~DominaKat

My Beast's Playground

My hand in his.
He guides our descent.
I eagerly follow him down.

Deep into darkness.

To be My Beast's erotic victim.
At the mercy of the animal hidden from the world.
In His cruel, seductive black lair.

It is where I belong.

To drown in his dark needs.
And feed his gnawing hunger.
To sate My ravenous Beast.

As he frees my own twisted soul.

He whispers of dark things I cannot resist.
He understands instinctively my depravity.
He toys brutally with my helplessness.

I surrender completely to His will.

He strips me of my dignity.
Peeling it meticulously from my daily existence.
There is no place for that here.

He is my only pride.

He ruthlessly destroys any chains that bind me.
He tolerates nothing less than all of me.
His wants and needs my only thought.

For I am His.

His slut.
His whore.
His slave.

To do with as He pleases.

All there is his Him.
And my desperate submission to My Beast.
Each breath I take to serve and please.

His sadistic pleasure my endless reward.

Tease me.
Torment me.
Toy with me.

Play with me until I break.

He devours.
He abuses.
He destroys.

Until there is nothing left.

My tears rain and quench his thirst.
My body a sacrifice to his savage hunger.
My mind and soul in tatters at his feet.

I am My Beast's playground.
And He is My King.
~DominaKat

The Other Half of the Equation

The last few months have been incredibly insightful.  Sorting through a shit ton of realizations lately.  Maybe I had a faint clue to some of them, but things are becoming clearer.  I'm finally to the point where I understand enough of the details of me to start stepping back and gain some perspective of the bigger picture. A few of the details...

• Being forced works for me on a fundamental level.  I feel wanted and craved.
• I seek for some level of pain.  I don't yet understand how deep or wide that well runs.  I simply understand that I've only scratched the fucking surface.
• I need some type of mental/emotional conflict...pain...verbal humiliation or acts of.  It calls to the dark side of me...the very dark side.
• I ache to be owned - to belong to a man as his most valued and treasured asset.  Not one of a fucking collection.  The One for him.  His One.

So....you take all of that, take a step back, and consider...  

Masochism:  Sexual excitement and pleasure produced by experiencing pain and humiliation.  Humiliation - the process of degrading or depreciating the pride, dignity, or self respect of the submissive to establish sexual power through emotional and/or psychological means - is the psychological counterpart to physical pain.

Huh.  So...that truly makes me a masochistic bitch in need of a sadistic master.

I can't lie.  Four months ago I didn't relate to sadist or masochist.  They seemed too extreme.  If M wasn't M, then I probably would have run in the complete opposite direction.  But here I am.  I look inside me, and I know what I see.

I'm the M in the S&M equation.

I'm a twisted bitch in need of darkness.

I'm my sadist's fucking playground.  ;-)

Ummmm...M...

Tag!  You're it!!!  Hehehehe ;-)
~DominaKat

Feed My Flames

He didn't hesitate.  He simply accepted all that I was, and all that I am with open arms.  He heard my desperate plea.  He met me toe to toe exactly how I needed.  He didn't try to divert the energy consuming me or hose me down.  He wrapped himself around me regardless of the burns I might inflict and fed my flames until I burned brighter than I ever have.  Together we blazed.  Hot.  So fucking hot.

I didn't have to temper myself.  I dropped all of my masks, all of my restraint.  I didn't hide from him.  I was gloriously free to be me.  I gave him everything I had.  He took it, added his own blend of fire, and spun it all around us like glorious fireworks.  With every boom, my energy spiked higher.  Again and again.  Until a finale that left me on my knees, shaking uncontrollably, and a puddle at my feet.

~sigh~  Does he read my mind?  Can he see inside me?  I don't have to explain it or justify it or apologize for it.  He gets annoyed with me when I even try.  I don't know how he instinctively knows me so well.  He humbles me every time.  I'm His Sub, Slave, Pet, Babygirl...I'm suppose to give.  Yet, every time I turn around he gives to me.  So well and thoroughly it brings me to tears.  Whether as My Dom, My Master, My Owner, My Daddy...he's there.  Every fucking time and won't let go no matter what.

He's well on his way to ruining me already.
Absolutely fucking ruining me.
And I can't find it in me to care at all.  lol
Bring it, M.
I dare you.  ;-)
~K.

The Dare

Little things.
All lined up perfectly.
Clicked into place.

I didn't catch it.
Didn't realize.
No damn warning.

The chains clattered to the floor.

It all came together.
And unlocked that barred door.
My vicious Bitch stormed through.

Her Anger.
Her Fury.
Her Rage.

I'm not tame.
I'm not reasonable.
I'm not even sure I'm sane.

My only desire an endless, punishing fight.

The little things.
All pushed away.
Again and again.

The frustration.
The slights.
The games.

The past, present, future.
The polite lies and transparent masks.
The boiling hot pressure builds.

I need fucking release.

I'm not nice.
I'm not sweet.
I'm not a good little girl.

I don't want to think.
I don't want to listen.
I don't want to obey.

Fuck that.
Fuck the whimpering child.
And fuck you.

Try and fucking make me.

I'm a cruel Bitch seeking cruelty.
I'm a nasty Whore craving pain.
I'm a filthy, dirty Slut looking to bathe in Darkness.

Defiant.
Uncontrollable.
Seething.

Make me feel every brutal touch.
I promise you will ache with mine.

Basking in my violence.
Rip my pleasure from my tight fist.

Use me rough and hard like a cheap Cunt.
Be the unrelenting Beast I rail against.

No submission unless it's torn from my fucking soul.

Make me.
Take everything I have to give.
I fucking dare you.

~DominaKat

Denial

I've never had to cope with denial.  I've denied myself sex and another's touch for years at a time due to circumstances and lack of qualified candidates, but never have I shied away from taking basic care of my own sexual needs.  While there have been countless times I couldn't find my release, I could at least find some small measure of pleasure in the act of touching myself.  Going completely without was never conducive mentally, physically, or emotionally for me.

Those closest to me often find fault with my sex drive or look at me blankly, unable to fathom.  While I've known from a very early age that I was different in many ways on how I saw, treated, and approached sex, I never felt it was a negative trait.  Difficult to handle?  Yes.  When I was married and my husband had worked 12+ hours, I fucked him in his sleep, my need was so great.  I've overcome twisted tubes at birth and been asked, "How did you do that?"  I've inspired a lover to take medication to keep up.  I've drained men to the point where they said no in order to be able to function.  I'm not saying I'm the best or have some magical tricks.  I know that I rarely get enough.  Maybe that's my own damn fault for being so selective that when I do agree to have sex with a man I typically want a lot if he proves to have at least the basics down.

I don't know.  Maybe there is something wrong with me.  ~shrug~  I've always simply accepted that I am a highly sexual creature by nature both in frequency and...depth.  That energy is a main source of nutrition for my inner balance.  It feeds my existence.  As I said in my very first blog post, I am a whore.  A whore for the right man.

I've found that right man, and I've done something that I've never done before.  I gave M control of my sexuality weeks ago.  It's now His.  To control.  To feed.  To devour.  To deny.  His.

He can make me nearly come apart with a word.  Through his ownership, I've learned the subtle yet most fundamental foundation of sex.  Something I either never understood or have long ago forgotten.  The power of basic pleasure.  Being denied permission to cum, my drive to completion was lost.  I was able to relax more than I ever have.  I could pay attention to the smallest and simplest of touches.  I could feel everything more intensely.

Foreplay became not just five minutes or twenty.  There have been long seductive days of it.  He teased my body.  He stroked my mind.  He licked my emotions.  Until when he finally granted His Whore permission to cum, I was frantic with need and want of Him.  He seduced me more thoroughly than any lover who has touched me.  Each step of the way, pulling me closer and tighter under Him.

I've done well in honoring M's control.  I relinquished that power to him happily.  He'd earned my trust and respect.  I haven't always know what to do.  I've tried to temper my requests and needs, so I wouldn't be a burden to him.  I've tried to manage my awareness of my sexual energy levels so that spikes wouldn't interfere with practical day to day life for either of us.  I've gone days without, when my standard had been several a day.  It's been an adjustment.  Yet, also a relief.

But I fucked up this morning.  I was deliberately disobedient.  I was alone.  I was in deep need physically and emotionally.  But I was also upset...a little with M, but much, much more so with my own sense of vulnerability and insecurity.  I rebelled.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't find it in myself to be ashamed either.  Maybe that's something I need to work on.  Again, I don't know.  All I can try to do is recognize my behavior for what it is and not make excuses for it or deny what's going on with me.  I can't be honest with Him if I can't be honest with myself.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for M's punishment.  I have no doubt it will be anything enjoyable.  He doesn't fuck around.  ~sigh~
~DominaKat

A Lesson in Submission: To Accept

I'm horrible at taking.  ANYTHING.  Okay...except pleasure and pain.  For whatever reason, I can gratefully welcome and accept all of that deliciousness.  I'm talking about kindness and love.  I can give until I bleed to those in my inner most circle.  But to receive it?  Well?  Easily?  Without hesitation?  Without...questioning?  Yeah...anyone who knows me, knows that receiving anything is one of my greatest challenges.

I don't know when.  I don't know why.  I wasn't always like this.  Though I was never a taker.  But this is how I've been for a long time.  It was to the point where even the most sincere compliment was difficult for me to accept.  I'd do anything I could to explain why it was undeserved or unnecessary.  Over the past couple of years, the few that have gotten their way in giving to me have opted to pretty much run right over me and not allow me any choice in the matter.  Whatever act of kindness or love was already in motion or even done by the time I realized what was happening.  I fought, but the decision was completely out of my hands.  There was nothing for me to do except shut up, say thank you, and do everything I could to honor their gift.

That shit didn't fly with M.  Not at all.

It wasn't long before he took me to task.  I believe it was his first very direct compliment to me.  I did what I usually did, trying to sidestep, but I was instantly and UNQUESTIONABLY met with an absolute, immovable brick wall.  That was probably the first time he "dommed me" as they say.  I don't even remember the compliment.  All I remember is freezing dead in my tracks and blinking in total confusion.  Huh?  He pretty much asked if I questioned his intelligence, his good taste, his opinion...  I felt like a fish out of water choking on air.  Within moments he clearly made his disappointment and annoyance with me known.  He was right.  I'd insulted Him.  I felt the shame of that through my entire being.  I breathlessly and quietly apologized and said thank you.  M simply replied with, "Your welcome."  No more.  He'd made his point.  After a thoughtful silent pause where he let what just happen sink into me nice and deep, he easily moved the conversation and us along to other things.  My mind continued to vibrate from that experience for several days.

Since then, there have been a number of other moments when I've struggled to receive and accept all that he so graciously gives me.  I've been working on it.  M is working on me, with me, for me.  Damn, he's a patient Man.  I'd like to think I have been getting a little better at this piece, but I know I still struggle.  Then last night I ran across a thread of slaves discussing this same issue and their own discomfort to accept their Master's love and affection.  Their honest and intelligent debate gave me much insight into myself.  This morning I was able to take different pieces they shared, the ones that resonated so well with me and find the bigger lesson I needed to see.

Lesson:  To accept His kindness and love without hesitation is a lesson in the ultimate surrender and obedience to His will.  

While there are still underlying issues I must resolve in myself in order to make that statement a natural part of who I am, that one sentences gives me a clear path.  M wants me, values me, and it is His absolute right to cherish me however He chooses.  ~sigh~  I am such a very lucky woman.
~K.

Acknowledgements:  Many thanks to slave_rachel and the other contributors for their insightful discussion.

Feed Your Beast

No one would say I'm timid.

Few would say I lack courage.

I go willingly to your lair.

That darkness is my home.

Let me be your focus.

Let me be what you need.

Let me feed your beast.

My submission at your feet.

All of me in your hands.

My tears are yours to shed at will.

Play the music of my pain for your ears.

My cries.

My fear.

My shame.

Are yours.

Let me be your focus.

Let me be what you need.

Let me feed your beast.

Take.

It is yours.

Demand.

It is your right.

Sate.

Your wants.

Your desires.

Your cruel cravings.

Let me be your focus.

Let me be what you need.

Let me feed your beast.

Your whore on her knees.

Your slut at your mercy.

Your pet whimpering in fear.

Your meat to devour.

I'll beg.

I'll plead.

I'll sob.

For you.

Let me be your focus.

The outlet you've always sought.

Let me be what you need.

To satisfy the darkness that lurks below the calm surface.

Let me feed your beast.

And set your soul free.

~K.

My Alpha and Omega

At my core, embedded even deeper than DNA, exists my need to submit truly, blessedly, and willfully to a Man I love and adore for all that he is, who loves and adores me for all that I am.  He would be the center of my world.  I'd put him first and cherish every opportunity to serve him, help him, be there for him.  I want to see him smile and laugh because I've pleased him.  I want to ease his sorrows and be his shelter.  While this is not all that I am, it is the root.  Without him I am simply lost, struggling to find my way.  With him though, I flourish.  All that I am - all that I could be - multiples and grows stronger and returns back to him.  He would be my Alpha and Omega, where I begin and where I end.

Time to Fix Me

I fucked up.  The smallest of things.  It was easy.  I was happy and even excited to do it.  Yet I made a fucking mess of it entirely.  When the light bulb finally blazed through my murky Spock mind, all the joy and happiness I had blissfully ridden the day away on was immediately sucked into a churning mess of internal remorse and disgust.  No, it wasn't intentional.  Quite frankly, I'm simply an idiot.  I looked at things from a prism of efficient completions, rather than making his task my first priority.

Why?  Why was that so fucking hard for me?  If he'd asked me to wash the truck, marinate some rib-eyes, or pick up the latest book he wanted to read, those would have all been done first thing.  All those pieces would have effortlessly sunk into my analytical head.  But my task was centered on his completely non-sexual need for me, and that's how I fucked it all up.  It's not the priority of him I don't understand.  No...it's MY importance to him that I'm having a horrible fucking time accepting.

I'm not use to being wanted.  Oh..,there are plenty that wouldn't mind - in fact would probably love - the chance to fuck me.  But they don't want Me.  ALL of me.  I'm used to coming in last behind a long list of others.  I spent years only being seen as a warm body to fill a role, where any part of Me was only targeted for destruction and burial.  But I'm fucking sick and tired of living today trapped in patterns and protective guards from yesterday.  I want to somehow undo all the fucking bullshit.  I've spent 10 damn years trying to recover, and still it seems as if I so much further to go.  Fuck, please let this be the home stretch....

It's unacceptable for me to however unintentionally disrespect and not appreciate the value he sees in me.  Not just my fat tits or my cunt or my ass or my need to submit.  He values the great, big messy package that is me.  I'm not use to tenderness. I'm not use to love.  I'm not use to being a priority.  I'm not use to having a safe place for all that is in me...the good, the bad, the amazing, and the tragic.  But that doesn't excuse me pushing all of those things away or not doing every damn thing I can to honor those rare, precious, beautiful gifts he so generously heaps on me.  I'm a fool not to have already recognized that, and I hate myself for not believing how important I am to him.

I HAVE to stop doubting that he values me.
I HAVE to stop doubting that I'm good for him.
I HAVE to stop doubting his need for me.

I know what I deserve.  It's right in front of me, but I have to believe it's real.  That he won't change his mind.  That he's not making a mistake.  That I could actually have it.

I won't apologize.  It's simply not fucking enough.  What I HAVE to do is fix this in me, so that it doesn't shatter all the wonderful things I'm only now starting to taste for the first time in my life.
~K.

Tonight's Theme Music for Myself...